After teeing off on George W. Bush (a man Bill Maher calls “a thundering doofus”) for the past eight years, the host of Real Time With Bill Maher needs a new comic foil. He tells us in our new issue that he’ll manage to mine comedy from Barack Obama (“He’s not some infallible chocolate Jesus — that’s Kanye West,” Maher says), but he’s also taking aim at the Republican party (“the Republican base has been purified, the same way that crack can be purified out of cocaine… or at least that’s how Amy Winehouse explained it to me”) and Rush Limbaugh (“I give Rush a wide latitude because he’s a drug addict”). And, of course, there’s the economy (because frankly, you gotta laugh to keep from crying). So here then, straight from the Real Time host, Bill Maher’s New Rules on How to Deal with the Economic Meltdown:
• New Rule: When you eat at McDonald’s, complain loudly to the manager that you found a tiny piece of nutrition in your burger — your money will be cheerfully refunded.
• New Rule: If you’re reasonably attractive, hang around outside offices of MTV or Bravo and eventually they’ll give you a reality show.
• New Rule: Marry Paul McCartney.
• New Rule: Don’t be pressured into an investment that you’re not sure about. Take your time, read every prospectus thoroughly, and find the Ponzi scheme that’s right for you.
• New Rule: If you’re a Latino family having trouble with food and day care expenses, let Angelina Jolie adopt one of your kids. Let’s face it: you need the financial breathing room, and Brad and Angelina need a Mexican. Can you say “win-win”?