Barring a late re-entry into the picture by the Sweet Meteor O’Death – a candidate who among independents was polling even with Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton last year – Trump will be sworn in as president of the United States Friday.
At night, when he climbs out of whatever wrench-tightened contraption he uses to keep his gelatinous pink hulk from spitting the seams of his suits, Trump will lay his head in chambers once occupied by the likes of Lincoln, Roosevelt and Kennedy.
It is a good bet that the first time he has occasion to use the toilet, he will, with great satisfaction, tell us about it in a tweet. He may even rate the experience. If you think that’s not possible, remember all the things you might have thought were impossible prior to the beginning of the 2016 presidential campaign.
Trump says he began working on the speech three weeks ago in Fort Lauderdale. He even posted a picture of himself “writing” it. He’s dressed in a suit and tie and frozen in an action pose with a pen and a legal pad, which must be his idea of what writing looks like.
If you’re taking the day off, or even if you aren’t, you may want to drink heavily during this moment in our anti-history. If that’s your plan, we’re here to help, with Donald Trump inauguration speech drinking game rules.
These rules were decided upon on social media. Each of the persons who came up with a rule will receive a signed copy of my new book of campaign reports, Insane Clown President. For those of you waiting for copies, I’m sending them out today. Apologies for the wait.
I will be live-tweeting during the speech. I haven’t decided on a beverage of choice for this one, although the White Russian might be a possibility. The only problem is that I have to appear on TV later in the evening, and all that Kahlua might make me puke on Chris Matthews. Which would be OK, I guess. I mean, he might not like it, but it would be fitting somehow.
Without further ado, here we go. Drink every time:
1. Trump deploys the “pinchy fingers” rhetorical maneuver, holding his hands out to his sides and waving them back and forth with Spaghetti-Oed mini-fingers. (@jasonweiler)
Make it a double if he uses his trademark “high-fives (or high-tens) the invisible ghost in front of him” move. (@PentaTronic)
2. Trump berates or insults a media outlet, or gloats about one that is dying or dead. (@brittanygrogan)
3. Mike Pence holds a fake smile for 30 consecutive seconds. We have someone monitoring this, so I’ll be tweeting it out if we have confirmed instances. (@keithchaput)
4. Trump name-checks a celebrity, or references The Apprentice. (@dwfriedheim)
5. Trump praises someone who until recently was a political enemy. Jager shot for Paul Ryan. (@LotusBroxton)
6. Trump doubles up a modifier, i.e. “many, many” or “very, very.” (@pat_donovan)
7. The crowd chants “Lock her up!” (@DrKaz)
8. Trump makes preemptive excuses for his incipient failures. This could mean just about anything, including long excoriations on the “mess” and “disaster” his predecessor left for him to clean up. (@superiorwang)
9. Trump references the popular vote vs. the Electoral College. Double if he claims he would have won the popular vote if he’d wanted to. (@RobJRII)
More than 50 House members have said they’ll skip this week’s inauguration festivities. Watch here.