Americans Are Wrong: Trump Would Be the Worst Barbecue Guest Ever

He'd ruin your backyard get-together the same way he'd ruin America

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Americans Are Wrong: Trump Would Be the Worst Barbecue Guest Ever
A new Quinnipiac poll finds 47 percent of Americans would rather invite Donald Trump to their barbecue than Hillary Clinton.

Five months before Election Day, presidential polls are little more than an excuse for political journalists to write lazy horserace stories. The snapshot of who's ahead and who's behind is largely meaningless, and the good stuff usually gets buried.

Take this latest Quinnipiac poll. It puts Hillary Clinton ahead of Donald Trump by four points, but that doesn't mean much this far out. The more interesting nugget is that 47 percent of Americans would rather have Trump come to their backyard barbecue than Clinton (who garnered 39 percent). Now that's some serious data worth examining further.

Forty-seven percent of Americans, what are you thinking? I know Mitt Romney was mean to you that one time, but that's no reason for decision-making this awful. No matter your politics, you should be able to see Donald Trump would be a terrible guest at your barbecue. He'd ruin it, in fact. Here's how.

He'd hand his empty plate to the nearest Latino guest.
Trump talks a lot about how "the Hispanics" love him because he employs so many of them (and because he eats fried tortillas filled with unseasoned beef and pre-shredded cheese). So when he comes across actual Latino human beings, you have to assume Trump thinks they're the help, right?

While your neighbor stands there awkwardly holding the trash Trump just handed him, he'd have to listen to the diablo naranja explain his fantasy to build a giant border wall and make Mexico pay for it. If he's lucky, Trump won't call him a rapist until he's out of earshot.

He'd ogle your wife's ass — or worse.
Donald Trump wouldn't follow your house rules, by which I mean the most basic tenets of common decency. Trump has an extremely well-documented history of sexism and outright misogyny, with genuine cruelty to employees, pageant contestants and public figures he sees as his enemies. He assigns women value based on appearance, and he isn't shy about making those remarks out loud. So be prepared for some awkward moments as he compliments your ass. Or your wife's ass. Or your daughter's ass. Or his daughter's ass.

He'd make everyone talk about him the whole time.
Donald Trump is a racist and a misogynist, but those aren't his defining features. What makes Trump Trump is the gaping chasm in his soul that he feels a constant need to fill with fantastical flights of self-affirmation.

There's a reason he surrounds himself with sycophants who never question the wisdom of his meaningless blather. There's a reason he's so ridiculously thin-skinned he can't stop himself from responding to any perceived slight, no matter how far down he has to punch.

This is a man who couldn't laugh off a running joke about his tiny hands, and made up a fake glove size ("slightly smaller than large") to defend himself.

He'd spend hours monopolizing your guests so he could rail against the media, while dragging BBQ sauce-stained press clippings from his pockets to prove how important and famous he is. He'd interrupt any conversation not about him and make it about him: about his hugely successful campaign, his tremendous golf courses, his extraordinary strength and stamina or his slightly smaller than large penis.

He'd make you cook a well-done steak.
In the infamous promotional video for his now-defunct mail order meat business, Trump Steaks, Trump declares steak his "favorite food," and who can blame him? A juicy, tender medium-rare steak is one of life's great pleasures.

Only Trump doesn't eat medium-rare steaks. America's Classiest Human Being™ orders his steaks well-done, according to a profile of his former butler (who turned out to be an incorrigible racist who wants to murder President Obama).

Let's be clear: A well-done steak is an inedible abomination, an insult to the animal who died so you might enjoy a meal. Trump claimed to be selling the finest cuts of meat known to man, but he would prefer his own steaks to be dried out, flavorless, robbed of everything that makes life worth living.

That's exactly what he'd do to your backyard barbecue, turning a fun get-together into a gyre of awkward, unpleasant conversation entirely about him. It would be the worst barbecue ever, and your friends would hate you for inviting him.

Imagine how they'll feel if you elect him president.

Donald Trump's failed businesses include Trump Steaks, which, it's been reported, "literally sold almost no steaks." Watch here.