I Got to Listen to Him Serenade Me
When the lights are blue and there are two of them in front of me, often they will symbolize Kurt's eyes to me. That's something that happens a lot. It happened to me when I used to strip. I had a friend who died, and he had almost-lavender eyes. There'd be these lights on, and I'd see that when the big purple lights came on. So there's that.
The energy is reaching in. I know that wherever he is – whatever is left, whether it's part of one egoless divinity or what – his energy is concentrated on me and on Frances. And it's also concentrated on the cause and effect he's had on the world. I had this theory that the persona people project onstage is the exact opposite of who they are. In Kurt's case, it was "Fuck you!" And ultimately, his largest problem in life was not being able to say, "Fuck you. Fuck you, Courtney. Fuck you, Geffen – and I'm gonna do what I want." I never really heard him put that down. That was the one area that he wouldn't touch like that. I got to sit and listen to this man serenade me.
The only time I asked him for a riff for one of my songs, he was in the closet. We had this huge closet, and I heard him in there working on "Heart-Shaped Box." He did that in five minutes. Knock, knock, knock. "What?" "Do you need that riff?" "Fuck you!" Slam. He was trying to be so sneaky. I could hear that one from downstairs. 1994