The Pop Life Rates the MTV Music Awards: Alba Dreamy, Gnarls “Crazy,” AFI Sketchy - Rolling Stone
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The Pop Life Rates the MTV Music Awards: Alba Dreamy, Gnarls “Crazy,” AFI Sketchy

“Thanks to all the perverts who voted for me” — Jessica Alba

No, Jessica — thank YOU. With your style, your grace, your principled refusal to wear anything that might deny America full nipple privileges, you made this year’s MTV Movie Awards show a very special night. A night of magic. A night of memories.<

Your comedy bits were really funny. Did you write your own material? I bet you did. I knew you would. That King Kong bit? With the negligee and the malt liquor? Classic. I bet you’re smart in real life.

I loved all your outfits. What are you wearing now?

Oh, the music? Not bad. Gnarls Barkley were friggin-diculously great, doing “Crazy” in Star Wars costumes. I love how they do all the silly pretentious stuff bands always swear they’re going to do, as soon as they get famous enough to do whatever they want, but Gnarls Barkley obviously decided, why don’t we try the silly pretentious stuff now, and then get famous? They make it seem so simple.

Anybody know why they played? The smart money says some producer had them in his phone next to “Aguilera,” and didn’t want to admit he dialed the wrong number.

Hey, it’s Kellie Pickler! She’s all dressed up to sing, because tonight must be “Bette Midler Night” on American Idol! I hope she does “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”. . . oh wait. It’s just Christina Aguilera, with the same retro-vampy burlesque shtick she’s been flogging since “Lady Marmalade,” delighting all twelve of the heterosexual males who didn’t change the channel as soon as she appeared. Let’s face it, Xtina, the I’m-so-hot thing is never going to work for you, especially not with Jessica Alba in the room. Out-hotting La Alba would require an act of God, a team of biochemical engineers and a magic strand of Angelina Jolie’s placenta. But you’re always going to be the “oh wait” girl — for straight guys, you’re “it’s Britney — oh wait,” and for everybody else, you’re “it’s Mariah–oh wait.” So just forget about the sexy and go with the boy-she-sure-sings-loud. Because loud you can do. That advice was free. You’re so welcome!

A lot of movie people won awards. But nobody cares about that, right? Although it was funny when Spike Lee got an award for a socially conscious movie he made seventeen years ago. “How much progress have we made?,” Lee asked, referring to the fact that Flavor Flav is still famous. It was also funny to see Jim Carrey’s new Clay Aiken hair (don’t let the sun go down on him!), and the Will Ferrell/John C. Reilly NASCAR sketch, and Justin’s goofy-dad sweater. Plus the fact that T.I. didn’t get to perform although he’s outsold everybody who did. Wedding Crashers won a bunch of awards — so that’s what you get for putting literally every joke in your movie in the first fifteen minutes. Sandra Bullock didn’t win anything, but her outfit was funnier than Wedding Crashers.

Why didn’t they let you sing, Jessica? I bet you have a lovely voice. Your funky dance up the stairs to accept your award — that was awesome. You looked prettier than a bathtub full of hog gristles, buttered and salted, covered in chocolate sauce, with a nice big cherry on top, served by little kittens in chefs’ outfits. That’s how pretty you looked. Mmmm.

See you next year, Jessica. Can’t wait to catch you in Snakes on a Plane 2: Skanks on a Plank!


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