The Everything Index: Father John Misty Edition

Josh Tillman is the former Fleet Foxes drummer turned shamanic singer/songwriter, who, in 2012, released Fear Fun, an acerbic, acutely aware solo album recorded as Father John Misty. Last year, he created “Innocence by Misty,” an eau de parfum containing “botanical fragrances of Tunisian Neroli, Mimosa Absolute and Jasmine Grand.”

The Everything Index: The Week’s Pop-Culture Power Rankings

Currently on tour with Lana Del Rey, he’s also working on a follow-up record, due next year on Sub Pop. Somehow, he found time to write this week’s “Everything Index” for Rolling Stone. Here’s what he’s obsessed with/annoyed by this week.

1. Kanye West calls Kardashians the ‘Most remarkable people of our time’ in Wedding Speech: In a follow-up statement West apologizes to his new family and the public, clarifies, “of all time.”

2. Cop allegedly caught masturbating in Starbucks: Starbucks caught fucking farmers, its employees and the planet.

3. January Jones ‘Hates’ that she looks ‘Distracted’ in her driving selfies: Promises to look present, alert and penitent for manslaughter trial.

4. Katy Perry has Madonna all tied up in S&M-themed photoshoot: In accompanying profile Perry discusses her abiding evangelical faith and role as one of the culture’s most high-profile feminists.

5. Carbon Dioxide levels topped 400 PPM throughout Northern Hemisphere in April, WMO says: No word yet on the Kardashians’ response.

6. The Nigerian military knows the whereabouts of several hundred kidnapped girls, but cannot reveal their location and cannot use force to rescue them: Americans still waiting for the reason behind Jay Z’s elevator brawl with Solange to be released to the public.

7. In an embarrassing flub, the Obama administration accidentally revealed the name of the CIA’s top official in Afghanistan in an email to thousands of journalists: This on the heels of a string of embarrassing flubs, including the Afghanistan flub, the Iraq flub, numerous Drone strike flubs, dead, innocent civilians flubs, the NSA flubs and the Economy flub.

8. Apple readies new software platform that would turn the iPhone into a remote control for household appliances: Apple expects huge profit jump from Americans dropping even more iPhones into toilets when attempting to flush toilet with iPhone.

9. X-Men: Days of Future Past has the fifth-best Memorial Day holiday weekend debut: Theatergoers claim the movie to be, on average, their 7th-best Memorial Day memory, vastly out-ranking the memories of their grandparents’ Civil War stories or whatever.

10. Nationwide debate over U.S. wildlife intervention arises after officials rescued an injured eagle that was suffering from a broken wing: NRA, unsolicited for comment, claims this is obviously just another case of reactionary gun-control mania from the radicalized, far-left, industrial-media complex. 

11. Conflicts, worries and demands up your chances of dying, Danish researchers suggest: Americans condemn the liberal press for unrelenting coverage of carbon dioxide levels topping 400 PPM in the Northern Hemisphere while they’re trying to watch X-Men. Danish researchers noted that focusing on the positive, such as great headway in the cause for international mutant rights, may greatly contribute to staying alive long enough to get to see the next 25 installments of the X-Men saga.

12. J.R.R. Tolkien reveals true meaning of The Lord Of The Rings in unearthed audio recording: Nerds everywhere convert en masse to Anglophile Proto-Occultic Protestant Judeo-Christian Mysticism.

13. Italian murder trial halted due to couple having sex: Couple faces charges for obstruction of justice and slaying pussy.

14. Pope takes strong stand against sex abuse: Makes revolutionary claim [that] “It is evil and priests should not do it.”

15. Blended has one of Adam Sandler’s worst-ever openings: Reviews ravaged it for, among other things, “a total and complete lack of franchised Marvel superhero characters”