You know what sucks? January, that’s what sucks. In terms of celebrity heartbreak, it’s the most toxic time of year, as the hearts of desperate fame whores grow cold and slushy. These are just a few of the latest reported victims of the celebrity breakup flu. Pass the Kleenex. We’re rating each one on our special Beyoncé Breakup Scale —, which ranges from “Irreplaceable” (tragic yet painful) to “Survivor” (painful yet tragic). Ring the alarm!
JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND CAMERON DIAZ
BEYONCE RATING: “Independent Women”
Hope you kept that sexy warranty, Justin, because it’s time to bring sexy back to the sexy counter! Save that sexy receipt! Sad to say, this one was long overdue. Justin isn’t exactly Mr. Loyalty — he totally left Janet Jackson to take the heat after the Super Bowl. We all knew he was giving up on Cameron when he started wearing those goofy Fine Young Cannibals sweaters. Anybody suspect he never deleted Britney’s number?
MARILYN MANSON AND DITA VON TEESE
BEYONCE RATING: “Say My Name”
Who saw this coming? Poor Dita probably woke up one morning and went, “Hey, wait a minute — this guy still claims he’s thirty-eight? It’s a joke, right?” Now Marilyn Munster’s supposedly dating Evan Rachel Wood, who’s nineteen, i.e., too young to remember how shitty his music was. Hott!
DREW BARRYMORE AND FAB MORETTI
BEYONCE RATING:”Deja Vu”
This is just too horrible to be true, and so I refuse to believe it. Problem is, they’re from two different worlds. As Drew said in Ever After, “A bird could love a fish, but where would they live?”
SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND JOSH HARTNETT
BEYONCE RATING: “Lose My Breath”
According to totally disreputable (but kind of awesome) rumors, Josh has been looking for love in coed bathroom stalls (it’s called “filling the void”) while Scarl is banging Justin like a screen door in a hurricane (it’s called “moving on”). Pray this is true.
JAY-Z AND BEYONCE
BEYONCE RATING:“Crazy in Love”
Guess what? They’re still together! Which is weird, because Jay-Z announced he was dumping her on his latest album. Know what this means? Not even Beyoncé listened to Kingdom Come! Ouch. Hold on tight, Jigga Man. It’s cold out there.