Sending Paris Hilton to jail for being the most loathed celeprosy lesion in the history of the species seems like a happening idea at first — forty-five days at Century Regional Detention Center is so the new thirty days at Promises Malibu! But it sets a dangerous precedent to jail celebs just because someone hates them. Without them, who would we hate? Celebrity despicability is a precious thing. So let’s all take a breath and see if we can come up with an Ed Anger-style list of forty things we hate more than Paris. I bet you can. I know I can.
Let’s start with (1) people still saying “the Internets.” Same for (2) “the Interwebs” and (3) “the blogtubes.” But not as much as people saying (4) “Last time I checked” or (5) “You do the math.” I don’t do math, you haven’t checked, and you obviously didn’t get the memo about (6) “You didn’t get the memo.” So get over (7) “Get over it,” especially if you’re (8) Mel Gibson. Old guys not trimming their eyebrows (9) — if Don Imus (10) owned tweezers, he’d still have a job. Cigarettes being illegal in bars but not (11) onion rings, which smell up the place worse. How about (12) Sisqo not being famous anymore? I hate that. Speaking of the bloggernetspheres (13), how much do we hate the first-person plural (14)? Wacky periods, as in: Biggest. Cliche. Ever (15)? Describing anything as “the anti-” something (16)? Saying “at the end of the day” (17)? No deleted scenes on the White Chicks DVD (18)?
What else? (19) Bicycles! Do they go fast? Yes. Do they have any safe way of braking? No. Who invented these things? Why are our streets clogged with ten-speed deathtraps hurtling at pedestrians whose only crime is walking dogs (19) on (20) those leashes that take up the whole sidewalk? The only person on a bike should be the dude from Yummy Taco (21) who’s late with my chicken burrito. All three discs of Yessongs sucked (22-24). But still using (25) the prefix “alt,” (26) the abbreviation “‘tude,” (27) the verb “morph” or (28) the punch line “zing”? I just threw up in my mouth (29)
[Ironically nonracist noun], please (30) Quad City DJs not making a record lately (31). That party train isn’t going to ride itself, you know. Saying (32) “ATM machine” when the “m” already stands for “machine,” like (33) “PIN number” or (34) “MLB baseball.” Speaking of which, (35) Roger Clemens and (36) the three Hall of Fame voters who cast their ballot for Dante Bichette. Project Runway bringing back (37) Nina Garcia. Dogs are worth repeating (38). “It is what it is” (39). That brings us to 40, so let’s add (40) Paris joining Nicole for Fox’s Born Innocent ’07: Incarcerated Scarfaces. Come on, that would be cool.