Poor Kevin Federline. We never thought we’d miss him, but we’re all a little choked up right now, watching our Chaotic DVD over and over, cranking Journey’s “Lights” (their wedding song!) and bursting into tears whenever we hear “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.” We’re pouring a little Red Bull on the floor, to mourn a love that should have lasted weeks. What went wrong? Just last week, K-Fed still had his lucky gig as Britney’s man-skank consort. He ruled supreme as America’s favorite no-talent double-wide couch-husband, pursuing his hip-hop career between bouts of assuring Britney that eating Doritos in bed works as birth control. They were our golden celebrity couple, showing us all the way to true love, one public crotch-grab at a time. But suddenly, it’s all over. Now he’s K-Fed-Ex, another guy with lots of wife-beaters but no wife, just bittersweet memories of yet another pair of ovaries he will never inseminate again.
OK, so they had a cash bar at their wedding. That’s pretty lame, considering the whole millionaire-pop-star thing. Maybe that was a cry for help, a sign that Britney was unable to put her heart on the line and commit to this marriage, maybe because she suspected it was an in-betweener like, oh, everybody else on Earth. But it’s still pretty sad, watching K-Fed go down in flames. This might be the worst week any quasi-celebrity has ever had. First, his album bombed, selling 6,500 copies its first week. His high-profile show at New York’s Webster Hall draws about 300 fans to a 1,400-capacity room. Then he has to settle out of court in a copyright-infringement suit filed by Thomas Dolby for the honor of biting “She Blinded Me With Science.” (He should have picked “Europa and the Pirate Twins” — now there’s a great Thomas Dolby song.) Then Britney gives him the Jason Alexander handshake, with a pre-nup locked up tighter than Sean Preston’s car seat.
What does this mean for Britney? Clearly it’s time for her and Justin to get over this silly “breakup” thing they’ve been trying to talk themselves into for the past few years. Admit it, you two — this just isn’t working out. It’s time to get back together, let the past go, and let the future sex start to make love sounds. But as for K-Fed, it’s pretty sad — who thought we’d be sorry to see him go? He even got canned the same week as Donald Rumsfeld. History will recall K-Fed and D-Rum much the same: Both of them got in as fast as they could, but neither had a clue what to do inside. They both had a little trouble with staying power. They both spent loads of other people’s money trying to hang onto a dumb idea. And neither one could dance. Thanks for the memories, K-Fed. We’ll never forget you.