For more than 30 years, Buzz Osborne has been the epically coiffed mastermind of the Melvins, the sludgy, stony outliers who have forged a rather unique anti-career as rock’s oddest outfit. But long before he ever picked up a guitar, Osborne was big into baseball, though not surprisingly, he had a tough time hanging with the jocks – “I always loved playing sports,” he laughs, “but I don’t like the people who play sports.”
Now that he lives in Los Angeles, he’s become a Dodgers fan, though he’s not above taking in a World Series game featuring hated rivals the San Francisco Giants, either. Still, with MLB’s Opening Day less than a week away, there’s no other team he’d rather discuss than the boys in blue. Here’s Buzz’s take on the 2015 Los Angeles Dodgers.
I’m a baseball fan who just happens to live in L.A., so I like the Dodgers. If I lived in Milwaukee, I’d be a Brewers fan, although I do prefer NL baseball over AL baseball. Fuck the DH; pitchers should hit – it’s part of the game! All the arguments that pitchers are too dominant are total nonsense. We’re just getting back to where it was before the Steroid Era; you can’t blame the pitchers or lower the mound. They should go talk to somebody like Bob Gibson, who’s still pissed they lowered the mound for him. Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth and a bunch of other guys hit a whole bunch of home runs when the mound was higher; these guys today are a bunch of millionaire pussies!
I feel like the Dodgers’ new owners are committed to winning; they did win their division last year – San Francisco finished in second place, you can go back and look it up! – and they made some nice moves this offseason, both through addition and subtraction. Matt Kemp, as far as I could tell, was a millionaire cancer growing on the Dodgers, and I’m happy he’s gone. I’m not going to miss him one bit; I only wish we could have traded him for Mike Trout. I don’t know much about Joc Pederson, but I’ve been hearing about him forever, and I’m looking forward to seeing what he can do!
Howie Kendrick is a good-hitting second baseman, and maybe they’ll get a little bit from Jimmy Rollins – I like him a lot more than Hanley Ramirez; that guy’s an injury waiting to happen. We essentially turned Dee Gordon into a guy like Howie Kendrick, and I’m happy with that; when you surround someone like Adrian Gonzalez with guys who can hit .300, all of a sudden teams have to pitch to him.
Pitching-wise, there were a bunch of high-priced players available this offseason – Cole Hamels, James Shields – but I’m not sure either of those guys were worth the money. And I think the Dodgers’ pitching is solid as is; you’ve got Clayton-fucking-Kershaw, the MVP, I like [Zack] Greinke; he’d be a number one starter on any other team in any league. Our top three guys, if they’re healthy, are great, and there’s a shitload of guys competing for the 4 and 5 spots. Three out of five guys are All-Stars, and that’s pretty fucking good.
I love Yasiel Puig; I think he’s the most exciting player in baseball. He’s super exciting and willing to do anything to win, and isn’t that what you want in a player? I would never get rid of him, unless he punches Don Mattingly or something. I believe that Puig is a clutch guy, and he’s unpredictable, and if you want to bring excitement back to baseball, get more guys like him!
I stand behind Donnie Baseball, look at the record, what more do you want? I loved Joe Torre, I couldn’t believe he was the manager of the Dodgers, that was so cool, but I’ll take Donnie. Donnie’s great. He should have been the manager of the fucking Yankees! But you get the feeling he needs to win this year, he needs to make this a team. And that’s my biggest issue with the Dodgers – they need to become a team. Money doesn’t buy championships; there’s too many millionaire cancers on the team right now. Brandon League, Carl Crawford, get rid of those fucking guys! Overpaid! Kershaw does his rehab in the minors, he went to every day’s rehab, and he did it because he knew he had to show the guys down there how to do it. That’s class, that’s the way you fucking do it.
Fearless Forecast: Oh God. They’ll definitely be above .500 – I’m usually pretty good at picking the World Series, but this year, fuck, I have no idea.