Like any other big night, the Project Runway finale has a morning after. Today, bittersweet memories litter the mind like the pizza boxes and Smirnoff Raw Tea bottles on our floor. (Jesus, people! These ashtrays are not going to empty themselves!) We got so obsessed with Project Runway all season, we knew we had to take the big finale minute by minute. So let’s make it work!
9:56 pm It’s almost showtime. Where the hell is my chiffon?
10:00 pm Clock strikes ten, and we’re down to the final four. I predict Uli shows these American bitchez how it’s done. I also predict Jeffrey and Laura get in a bitchslap smackdown sandwich and Laura ends up having to choke a ho and Michael has to save a ho and Tim walks in and says, “Designers, what’s all this Sturm & Drang?”
10:05 pm Fashion Week! Can the designers take the pressure? Michael, the Knight Rider! Laura, the Bad Mommy! Fraulein Uli–nobody sinks the U-boat! She’s like Lily Von Shtupp in Blazing Saddles. But sorry, babe–fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
10:06 pm Jeffrey: “It bothers me that you would question my integrity, Laura. I don’t even know how these pattern books got here. Did I say pattern books? I meant pleats. I haven’t been so upset since I failed the audition to be the DJ in Limp Bizkit.”
10:11 pm Tim says he’s “absolutely confident” Jeffrey did all the sewing himself. Is Tim ever NOT absolutely confident? Actually, it would be cool if Tim came in and said, “What the hell, it’s a game show! Designers, get a life! What, you think we cast these things without planning winners? How do you think this Jeffrey clown survived the first month? Now CRY and CUT!”
10:12 pm Laura’s all embarrassed.
Jeffrey: “See? It was your hormones, bitch. Why don’t you go off and have your baby.”
Laura: “Jeff, don’t you mean, OUR baby?”
Jeffrey: “Uh — quack quack.”
10:18 pm Bryant Park! The big show! There’s Alison in the audience. And Malan, Daniel V., Uncle Nick, Raymundo, Austin Scarlett, all our faves. Alison, you are such a rock star. You and Malan need to start a band.
10:25 pm Jeffrey’s collection hits the runway. Yawn. Yes, we have heard of Gwen Stefani. God, what passes for “edgy” in L.A.
10:28 pm Fashion music really sucks. Is there an industry rule requiring crap old Austrian techno?
10:37 pm Michael’s parents are so proud. Please, give Pam and Big Mike their own show. Coolest TV parents ever! Did you see the picture of his dad’s Seventies hair last week? Sylvers-tastic!
10:41 pm There’s Brandy! She’s down with Michael. This is the most rock & roll Runway cast ever: Bonnie is a TV on the Radio fan, Katherine’s into Sleater-Kinney and Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Alison dates the guy from Salt & Samovar, and Michael’s got Brandy stepping to Nazri and singing “The Boy Is Mine.”
10:46 pm Nina Garcia–is your plastic surgeon familiar with the concept of “touch-ups”? The skin on your throat is supposed to halfway match your face, dumpling.
10:48 pm The celebrity judge is”… Fern Mallis? This is a joke, right? Who the hell is Fern Mallis? She’s a celebrity like Vincent is a tantric sex guru. And she showed up in an outfit made of moss, like Andrae’s plant dress from last season. Fern, nobody told you it was TV day? You’re all Comme des Garcons goes to the Amish Country!
10:55 pm The judges: “Michael, you need to mature.”
Michael: “Thanks, and if I ever mature enough to step out the house looking as tired as y’all, don’t even bother shooting me because I’ll find my own damn gun. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m a go bang Moesha into the middle of Season 4.”
10:56 pm The judges: “Laura, you’re a one-note.”
Laura: “Right. My note would be ‘rich,’ and your note would be, ‘Rich? Not so much.’ See you on the harmonic scale, Garcia.”
10:57 pm It’s down to Uli and Jeffrey. They look a little squeamish doing the pageant-queen snuggle. Uli’s all like, “Ven I vas a little German girl vatching Miami Vice and dreaming of America, I did not know about zese things they call mullets. They suck.”
10:58 pm The winner is…
Jeffrey! And his trusty model Marilinda! Lame choice–it’s hard to see the future of fashion in a cheeseball who looks like he’s hanging around the Rainbow hoping to get mistaken for a Whitesnake roadie. But I guess these judges are still catching up. “Mad skillz,” yeah, there’s a fresh catchphrase. Talk to the hand!
10:59 pm Marilinda: “Mama! I’m going to be in Elle! No, Elle! It’s a magazine! Like Vogue! Except not, you know? No, mama, I’m not in Vogue. Mama! [sniff] I am too pretty!”
11:00 pm We were rooting for Michael, but hey, we heart Marilinda too, so things could have been worse–Vincent could have returned to get off in our face on laundry day. But this season was so great, we’ll even miss that Vincent. See you next year, Tim Gunn. Carry on.