Gosh, another MTV Video Music Awards! Tonight is the night when millions of music fans hit the couch to bury a Thursday night’s worth of brain cells in a Zima coffin, watching famous people in silly pants. Awesome! It’s always one of the year’s hottest TV parties. Except last year, when Diddy hosted. Or the year before, when nobody hosted. But hey, we’re rooting for the show this year. Why? Just because.
But first, for reference . . .
suck (suhk) verb. [[Middle English suken, from Old English sucan]] 1: to draw (as liquid) into the mouth through a suction force produced by movements of the lips and tongue. 2: to draw by or as if by suction. 3: to take in or consume as if by exerting a suction force. 4 (slang): to be objectionable or inadequate.
7:42 PM: That definition of “suck” is already changing! And the show hasn’t even started yet! For the pre-show, we’ve got Fergie on the red carpet, doing “London Bridge.” Nice bladder control! John Norris interviews the other Black Eyed Peas about her performance. “It symbolized a lot,” Will.I.Am. tells him. Sure did, Will.
Paris Hilton is wearing white bike shorts under a tutu. It’s gonna be that kind of night.
My Chemical Romance are on top of a building performing “Bohemian Rhapsody.” No, wait, it’s “November Rain.” Uh, the entire second disc of Smashing Pumpkins’ Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness? What the hell is this? A choir of kids dressed up as skeletons? Gerard Way tells Gideon Yago the song is about a guy named Rapacia who “examines his own mortality.” Uh huh. I need another Zima.
7:55 PM: Diddy is doing an interview with John Norris and NOT TALKING. He stands there and nods while his spokesman explains, “I’ll be speaking for Diddy tonight.” John asks Diddy about hosting last year. The spokesman says, “We don’t expect anyone to do better than him because, you know, he’s Diddy.” This is seriously cool.
8:04 PM: Smart move opening with Justin. He’s so wiggly. “Sexy Back” isn’t exactly his finest moment, but at least he doesn’t have a choir of skeleton children examining their mortality.
8:12 PM: The Raconteurs with Lou Reed! Doing “White Light White Heat!” Respect! This Zima’s for you, Lou.
8:18 PM: Lil Kim announces “I’m bringing sexy back!” The show just started, and sexy has been brought back at least twelve times. Fortunately, sexy can take a little breather, now that James Blunt is onstage.
8:26 PM: I am into Andre 3000’s Seventies Braves cap. I am not so into “My Humps” winning Best Hip-Hop Video.
8:37 PM: I like Shakira and Wyclef because it’s only eight dancers, no explosions, no special effects, no ice sculpture . . . it looks like Shakira’s doing her own song for “Pants Off Dance Off.” Which is a compliment.
8:43 PM: Xtina is so pissed at not winning. Jealous much?
8:45 PM: Lil Jon is a frontrunner for fashion king of the night, if only for his “CRUNK NOT DEAD” piece. Did Montel go home?
8:54 PM: Almost an hour into the show and no Jessica Alba . . . yes, it IS a problem. Did Jack Black go home already? Did the Ranconteurs? Too bad Sarah Silverman didn’t get Lance Bass to make out with her on camera, that would’ve been cameo-tacular.
8:52 PM: Dylan i-pod commercial . . . holy fuck. Why the hell didn’t he come out to shake ass during “Hips Don’t Lie”?
9:01 PM: Jessica Simpson’s hips don’t lie. She looks simp-trocious. And she’s slurring like Paula Abdul at an Irish wedding. Nick Lachey is mighty comfy in his seat right now.
9:08 PM: This OK Go shit is by FAR the boringest and stupidest moment of the night. Nothing will top it unless K-Fed sings. Hell, that was even dumber than Pussycat Dolls winning an award.
9:14 PM: Jackass! Stevo and the lobster! Now this is quality TV.
9:18 PM: Why are All American Rejects playing in front of a video? Why are the supposed punk rock bands giving the most canned performances of the night, while Shakira and Ludacris were stripped-down and spontaneous? And why is Paris even here, let alone lecturing us about how “this song has a message worth listening to”?
9:19 PM: Nicole Richie. Well, at least now something has replaced the My Chemical Romance guy’s hair in my internal hideous-o-meter. At least she seemed semicoherent compared to the Simp.
9:22 PM: Pink . . . how early did that pre-show open bar start?
9:32 PM: Jack Black, you are killing it tonight.
9:33 PM: I love Snoop holding his gin and juice. Snoop walking to the stage is more fun than most of the musical performances. “Some of these nominees were still in underoos when the Doggfather started his verbal slanging.”
9:38 PM: Beyonce’s big choreography number is a total rip-off of Weird Al’s Michael Jackson tribute, “Fat.” Probably works well in the room, but boring on TV. Nice song though. The straight hair works for her.
9:49 PM: T.I.’s performance is a lot like My Chemical Romance’s . . . lots of dancing zombies from “The Omega Man” in the background. My girlfriend says, “Lots of epics tonight.”
9:54 PM: Jared Leto is bringing sexy back, but unfortunately not all the way back to Jordan Catalano. I guess they’re saving Axl for last. Is he gonna team up with K-Fed to do “Patience”?
9:57 PM: The Raconteurs finally do “Steady As She Goes” . . . they are definitely walking tall tonight. Oh God, they’re bringing Pink back out? No . . . between her and Nicole Richie and Jessica Simpson it’s like a PTA meeting after-party at Chili’s . . . get me to Zima and Fourthmeal, stat.
9:59 PM: T-Crash, you are killing it tonight! Respect!
10:03 PM: Ringtone of the year? Rihanna is like, I got my hair did for this? Poor Rihanna, that dress is excellent, she looks so doily, and all they let her do is present a Ringtone award to the guy from Linkin Park? Poor girl.
10:06 PM: Panic! at the Disco — what a surprise, another epic! Jamiroquai demands his hat back!
10:08 PM: Bands who go on the VMAs to just do a “live” “performance” of a video really need a clue. What is this “Life Is a Cabaret” crap?
10:12 PM: AllTiredandStuff, I am SO not worthy!
10:13 PM: Rihanna, you’re cute. Fergie, I’m convinced you’re a character Kathy Griffin is playing as a long-term media prank. Avenged Sevenfold, you suck but “Bat Country” is kind of funny and that was a funny speech. What does it mean the only God-thankers of the night are Chamillionaire and those noted theologians, the Pussycat Dolls?
10:20 PM: Jack Black writes sins, Jack White writes tragedies — discuss!
10:22 PM: Britney and K-Fed didn’t show up? And he didn’t even sing a shitty new song? I feel cheated.
10:26 PM: Slim Thug . . . not so slim, right? Britney looked kind of cute, right? Kanye just compared Hype Williams to Picasso, right? I still miss Biggie.
10:29 PM: Missy is god.
10:30 PM: Missy’s jeep is god.
10:30 PM: Timbaland is god.
10:30 PM: Missy not being able to get out of her jeep is god. Sorry Lil Jon, you have been fashion-housed.
10:32 PM: I want one of those Missy’s-face umbrellas.
10:34 PM: AllTiredandStuff you are OTM about Axl coming back with all the dolphins to do “Estranged.” It’s a night of epics. Sarah Silverman, you’re pretty fucking funny.
10:37 PM: Christ, they’re bringing out Jennifer Headscarfpez AND Xtina??? Zima don’t fail me now.
10:38 PM: Jon, I fear you are right. Sarah’s crazy hot. But I bet Lance Bass still won’t make out with her. (Damn, MTV blew their window of Lance-cameo-opportunity tonight.)
10:43 PM: Xtina is not the worst and stupidest and boringest moment of the night, but of ALL TIME. This is vomit. She can’t sing. String section. Dim lights. Bricks. Red dress. Vomit.
10:45 PM: My first “MUTE” of the night. Xtina, you have outdone yourself.
10:47 PM: Lou Reed, what IS your shirt? Did you and Jimmy Buffet trade clothes backstage? Didn’t you used to show up everywhere in a black t-shirt and a leather jacket? You look all fucking Corona. And you’re standing next to Pink.
10:50 PM: I love how the AFI guy tries for a big Lou Reed hug . . . “Lou Reed! Lou Reed!” and Lou Reed just folds his arms and stands back and refuses to even smile, kind of cool, just wish he wasn’t wearing a gold chain and a rainbow-van t-shirt. It’s like when Snoop refused to even go onstage to get his trophy with the Pussycat Dolls.
10:51 PM: Ranconteurs and ZZ Top! “Cheap Sunglasses”! Fuck yeah!
10:52 PM: Al Gore? With Jackass? Is Stevo going to staple his scrotum to the dwarf’s buttcheeks?
10:58 PM: I love how the guys in Black Eyed Peas who aren’t Fergie think they’re famous.
11:00 PM: “You DID bring the thunder. The thunder of friendship.” This Tenacious D bit was worth waiting all night for. Well done, gentlemen.
11:04 PM: I would be enjoying this Jackass segment even more if I hadn’t committed suicide during the Xtina song.
11:08 PM: Al Gore blew it by not getting up there and singing “Sugar, We’re Going Down.” I never noticed before but he looks a lot like Jack White. Latifah is bringing the sexy back.
11:10 PM: Sorry, but Jennifer Lopez couldn’t bring the sexy back with a wheelbarrow. Have you revisited “U-Turn” lately? She was actually hot back in 1998, now she’s Rhoda, life goes the fuck on. Xtina’s a real singer the way Joe Satriani is a real guitarist. I guess we’re not getting the Bob Dylan/Alicia Keys duet tonight, but there’s still time for Axl.
11:16 PM: Like my girlfriend said, “Just when you thought Jim Jarmusch couldn’t get any cooler . . .” the Raconteurs and Mr. Stranger Than Paradise doing “Internet Killed the Video Star,” NIIIIIICE. He is so Nick Zinner times Andy Warhol. He is bringing sexy back!
11:20 PM: Congratulations to Amex! at the Hot Topic. You have to admit, they sound a lot like Blues Traveler. Save us, Axl.
11:22 PM: Waaaait, Axl came out, but he didn’t sing . . . he introduced the Killers instead of vice versa? This is a choke of Yankees-ALCS-2004 proportions! Choke choke choke!
11:26 PM: Thanks, Killers! I always wondered what it would sound like if the Hooters covered “Bizarre Love Triangle!”
11:44 PM: I think we can all agree the word “suck” has changed forever tonight. No definition will ever be complete without a footnote to Jessica Simpson’s little speech, or OK Go’s treadmill dance, or Xtina’s moment of clarity, or Brandon Flowers’ bringing the John Oates stache back, or Axl’s not doing a damn thing, or Lou Reed’s fucking shirt. Thanks for the memories! And now: it’s Fourthmeal O’Clock. Zima, we’re going DOWN!
Plus: Check out our Red Carpet photo gallery for J. Lo in headscarf, Pete Wentz with a primate, Justin bringing sexy back and much more.