Lindsay’s in jail, Michael isn’t? There’s your trouble, America. That’s everything wrong with this country in one orange-jumpsuited package. The Man has failed us, locking up the wrong Lohan, while the rest of us serve an even harsher sentence by being deprived of Lindsay’s presence for 90 days. Or 23 days, or however long this I Know Who Killed the American Justice System travesty continues. How are you protesting? Rocking your own jumpsuit? (Hey, how did this baggie get in the pocket? Not mine, your honor!) Splashing Long Island Ice Teas on your SCRAM bracelet? Wearing a “My Name Is… SOBER FUN!” nametag? Finally retiring the Samantha Ronson hat (the Sam-Brero ™) you’ve been wearing for three summers in a row? Or merely sobbing as you rewatch the classic “Mean Girls” episode of Dina’s Living Lohan reality show?
But there’s a silver lining: The promise of more Lindsay music. Popeater has a report that the new inmate of Cell 28 has a plan to make the most of her court-mandated alone time. Says an unnamed, yet eerily knowledgable source: “Lindsay is going to spend her time in jail writing new songs that she will record the second she gets out. Her emotions are so raw at the moment the material will be her best ever. It will definitely get nominated for a Grammy.”
Those are strong words, since if these lockdown songs are going to be her best ever, they have to beat “Bossy,” and nobody beats “Bossy.” Also, Lindsay’s back catalog includes “My Innocence” (which is so bittersweet right now) and “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father).” But you have to admit, the idea of a Lindsay concept album about prison is tantalizing (Blonde Steel in the Hour of Chaos? I Shouldn’t Have Done It 2: Fully Loaded?), particularly if she can work in a through-the-bars duet with the girl in the next cell, who happens to be teen celebrity-burglar Alexis Neiers from the E! series Pretty Wild. (Has there ever been an instance where prisoners from two different E! reality-show families have shared the same cellblock? Let’s build on this, people. Is there time to throw Khloe Kardashian in there too? Throw the book at Nick Carter?)
Maybe something good can come of this mess after all. Maybe she can be the West Coast answer to Lil Wayne, who just had “music contraband” confiscated from his cell on Riker’s Island, and who still plans to drop a new EP in September. We need them both back on the bricks pronto. As Lindsay sang in “Bossy,” “punishment can be severe.”