Breaking down the fourth wall, Jane Lynch appeared as herself (channeling Sue Sylvester by stuffing coal into stockings designated for Cloris Leachman and Meryl Streep) to explain that this “controversial” Christmas episode was originally supposed to air last year but horrified Fox executives “locked it in a lead vault.” Now, it was finally seeing the light of day.
Of course, it was all just an introductory ruse – because if she were telling the truth, Finn Hudson would have magically reappeared. But, alas, he didn’t. In fact, in typical new-world-order Glee fashion, he wasn’t even mentioned. Also missing were guest stars Adam Lambert and Demi Lovato, and all the ex-cast members who are no longer on the show. (Apparently, though, there’s a reunion in the works – but that will have to wait until February, when the show returns after a hiatus.)
‘Green Is Good’
When the 50th annual McKinley classroom-decorating contest is announced, Tina and Sam jump at the chance to lead the glee club’s decorating committee. The green-themed contest wants students to focus on using recycled and sustainable items. But while Sam has eco-consciousness on his mind, Tina has an ulterior motive: she wants to win the “magical” antique angel that supposedly lands boyfriends and helps people realize their “prom queen dreams.” (Oops, spoiler alert.)
At the “non-denominational Christmas club,” which suspiciously looks a lot like the glee club, it’s announced that the school’s nativity scene was defaced. Obviously the solution to that is to have a “living nativity” where Jake will play Joseph because “Joseph was a darkly tanned Jew.” (Welcome back, Coach Beiste.)
Pop Quiz, Hotshot
After Sam forages for pine cones, deer antlers and deflated mylar “Feliz Cumpleaños” balloons from all those Hispanic birthday parties held in the woods, the New Directions kids trim their tree.
When Sue comes to judge their work, she’s sure they’re going to come in “dead last.” Instead, after some rapid-fire questions about how “green” the tree really is, she hands them the win. Besides, it was easy to beat Becky‘s dumpster-diving pile-up of green-colored foam fingers, oversized shamrocks, unripened bananas, Apple Jacks and moldy bread. But after Tina gets her coveted magic angel, she decides to hand it over to the Beckster in the spirit of goodwill.
‘Virgin in the House, Bitches’
Over at the living nativity, the role of the Virgin Mary proves to be popular, with Marley, Tina and Unique all wanting to play the mother of Jesus. Kitty, on the other hand, turns up her nose at the idea – at least that’s what she wants people to believe.
When real-life virgin Marley lands the role, Kitty admits she didn’t try out because she doesn’t think she embodied “the Virgin Mary spirit” and doesn’t deserve the role. “I’m more like Mary Magdalene,” she says.
Hoping to help her feel better about herself, the glee clubbers come up with a plan to make her want the part. Unique comes to rehearsal dressed as a ready-to-pop, Dreamgirls-like version of the Virgin, singing Diana Ross and the Supremes‘ “Love Child” and giving birth to a bouncing baby doll mid-song. Kitty is horrified, calling it “sacrilegious” and demanding the role. Take it away, Ms. Magdalene.
Outside the school, the living nativity takes form with “Away in a Manger,” with the cherry on top being Becky as Baby Jesus with her head stuck through a basket of hay hanging over a plastic doll’s body. (Trust us, it was funny.)
‘Best Jewish Elf Ever’
When Santana visits New York (remember, this is supposed to be a year ago) bearing gifts for newly single Kurt (Dildo Island, anyone?), Rachel gets them jobs as Christmas elves at the mall. It’s where all the Broadway luminaries bring their children, so it’s a good career move, she insists.
In reality, it’s a nightmare – Bad Santa shows up drunk and disappears, leaving them with a bunch of pissed of kids who want to talk to the big man. Hoping to amuse them, they sing “Here Comes Santa Claus,” complete with dancing little people. But the kids aren’t impressed and all hell breaks loose.
Hoping to smooth things over, Santana comes out dressed as a sexy Mrs. Claus – after all “Santa” is part of her name, right? Except she isn’t really good with kids, stopping ones who “look a little Jewish” from sitting on her lap while telling others about her plight as a single lesbian. That Christmas wish sounds “molest-y,” she tells one kid.
As if he were a gift sent from the North Pole, a sexy Santa shows up to save the day, offering his services to calm down the unruly crowd – if they invite him over for dinner first. Kurt eagerly obliges.
When the guy shows up shirtless wearing only suspenders to cover his chiseled abs, things get out of hand quickly, culminating in a drunken, helium-induced rendition of “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)” that could rival last week’s kooky, puppet-filled “The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?).” When Rachel and Santana catch St. Nick making out with Kurt, sexy Santa winks, nods and assures them: “Don’t worry, ladies, Santa swings both ways.” But the girls decide to leave the two alone.
The next morning, hungover with tinsel-caked faces, Rachel and Santana find Kurt hogtied and gagged on his bed wearing Rudolph ears – and their entire apartment ransacked. Probably not what Kurt had in mind when he let the guy take off his suspenders.
And on that note, merry Christmas, everyone! May your holiday be better than Kurt’s night. See you in February.
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