The CIA has put its foot down on one of music’s biggest mysteries, offering the most definitive (maybe) answer a top-secret intelligence agency can give on matters involving the whereabouts of one of the most beloved smooth operatives: “No, we don’t know where Tupac is,” the agency tweeted on Monday.
To celebrate their first month on the social networking site, the CIA took some time off from tweeting unclassified nuggets about U-2 bombers and miniature cameras to answer some pressing questions. Along with copping to (allegedly) not knowing your passwords and promising Ellen DeGeneres they’d take a selfie with her if she stopped by headquarters, the CIA addressed the Tupac situation — though inexplicably, the spy agency did so without referencing (or even punning) the rapper’s landmark album, All Eyez on Me. That’s easily their worst gaffe since Valerie Plame-gate.
Regardless of whether the CIA wants to divulge any pertinent info about Tupac, the rapper has been back in the news lately, partly thanks to the recent Broadway debut of the Tupac jukebox musical, Holler if Ya Hear Me, and a segment in a new National Geographic Channel documentary, The ’90s: The Last Great Decade, which examines his still-unsolved 1996 murder. “Law enforcement around the country weren’t big Tupac fans,” said the rapper’s Outlawz cohort, E.D.I. Mean. “I’m absolutely positive they know what happened. This is America. We found Bin Laden.”
In May, the first Las Vegas police officer to arrive at the scene of the crime divulged what might’ve been Tupac’s last words: “He looked at me, and he took a breath to get the words out, and he opened his mouth,” recalled Chris Carroll, a retired sergeant with the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police Department. “And then the words came out: ‘Fuck you.’”