In her upcoming self-directed documentary Life Is But a Dream, Beyoncé opens up about the miscarriage that preceded the birth of daughter Blue Ivy, calling it “the saddest thing I’ve ever been through,” Us Weekly reports.
While husband Jay-Z mentioned the miscarriage on “Glory” – the song he recorded just days after Blue Ivy’s birth – this is the first time Beyoncé has openly discussed the traumatic event. In one scene from the documentary, which premieres February 16th on HBO, the pop star recalls becoming pregnant for the first time: “I heard the heartbeat, which was the most beautiful music I ever heard in my life.”
Swelling with maternal love, Beyoncé remembers picking out names and envisioning what her new baby might look like – but early on something went wrong. “I flew back to New York to get my check up – and no heartbeat,” she says. “Literally the week before I went to the doctor, everything was fine, but there was no heartbeat.”
Heartbroken, Beyoncé turned to music: “I went into the studio and wrote the saddest song I’ve ever written in my life,” she says, though she does not reveal the name of the track. “And it was actually the first song I wrote for my album. And it was the best form of therapy for me.”
Luckily, her second pregnancy was much more joyful, and in the documentary Beyoncé gushes, “Being pregnant was very much like falling in love. You are so open. You are so overjoyed. There’s no words that can express having a baby growing inside of you, so of course you want to scream it out and tell everyone.”
You can check out this trailer for Life Is But A Dream, which is filled with intimate, behind-the-scenes footage of Beyoncé, and finds her talking candidly about how much to reveal about herself as well as her career aspirations, pushing herself, and balancing life in the spotlight with natural human fears and anxieties.
Beyoncé is also gearing up for the release of her forthcoming album, which includes collaborations with Justin Timberlake, Pharrell, Timbaland and The-Dream. She’s also set to perform this Sunday at the Super Bowl halftime show, where she’ll be joined by Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland for a Destiny’s Child reunion. She’ll reportedly close the show with the premiere of a brand new song.