In the shadow of Major League Baseball’s Mitchell Report comes the Soares Report, named after Albany, NY, District Attorney David Soares, which discloses what musicians have also been juicing, for reasons probably more cosmetic than performance-enhancing. According to the report, 50 Cent is alleged to have ordered steroids or human growth hormone (HGH) from a pharmacist at the center of the investigation — to think that his last album would have only received a one star review from Rolling Stone had he not been on the gas. Mary J. Blige, who was also named in the report, is taking the Roger Clemens approach by vehemently denying the charges, saying in a statement she “has never taken any performance-enhancing illegal steroids.” No word on whether Blige will be stripped of her Grammys like track & field star Marion Jones was stripped of her Olympic medals. The pharmacist who allegedly provided these artists with anabolic steroids is Dr. Gary Brandwein of the Signature Compounding Pharmacy of Orlando, FL. Brandwein is also the doctor who prescribed steroids to WWE wrestler Chris Benoit, who killed his wife and son before killing himself last year. Brandwein is currently awaiting trial for felony drug charges in Albany.
Also accused of doing the Bonds is superstar producer Timbaland, whose production work definitely seems performance-enhanced lately, as well as Wyclef Jean, whose fingers did seem a tad more limber scaling guitar frets when he came to the Rolling Stone office a month ago to perform. According to Soares’ investigation, which was first reported by the Albany Times-Union, Blige and 50 used some creativity when being delivered their illegal drugs, as 50 using the inconspicuous alias of “Michael Jordan” to receive a few shipments, while Blige professed her love of HBO’s The Wire by supposedly getting packages addressed to “Marlo Stanfield,” the show’s resident drug dealer. Let’s hope this trend doesn’t continue, though if the Jonas Brothers suddenly look ready to fight Chuck Liddell, it’ll be trouble for everybody.