Yesterday it was announced that Nicki Minaj will produce and star in a scripted ABC Family comedy series based on her childhood in 1990s Queens. This is especially gratifying news to fans who have witnessed the punchline queen allude to many mythical moments from her childhood over the years. Here are some of the true-to-life details we hope to see reenacted on Nicki Meets World (AKA Onika Explains It All, AKA Everybody Loves Nicki).
The Slumber Party With Dameka
Any Barb worth their weight in Myx Moscato knows about the Dameka incident, in which a preteen Nick “snapped @ a slumber party n startin beatin da shit out this girl who was pickin on me.” Hopefully an ABC Family–friendly reenactment of this sleepover brawl makes it to the airwaves.
A Cameo From “Popular Drama Major” Leo
Before pursuing a music career, Minaj studied drama at the prestigious LaGuardia High School. We may have a certain classmate named Leo — who, in what must have been a supreme understatement even then, told a 14-year-old Nicki she was “animated” — to thank for encouraging the many alter-egos that populate her songs. Leo’s role could be analogous to the radioactive arachnid in Spider-Man — the catalyst for Nicki’s superhero origin story.
“Onika’s First Job”
In which Nicki embarks on a brief stint as the world’s worst tween fire-extinguisher saleswoman.
The Red Lobster Chronicles
Ideally, later seasons of Minaj’s show will include a recurring storyline in which she is repeatedly fired (and rehired) from Red Lobster for zany antics such as chasing customers into the parking lot over stolen pens and serving acrylic-nail-topped salads.
Plenty of Small Wonder References
Minaj has expressed a personal connection with the hit 1980s sitcom Small Wonder, which follows an android disguised as a 10-year-old girl. Even though her “Starships” days are over, that doesn’t mean we can’t dream of some light sci-fi inspired plot lines.
The Prophetic Range Rover Pledge
A scene in which 12-year-old Onika promises to buy a luxury vehicle for a pal would cement her status as a ride-or-die BFF in the hearts of America.
When I was 12 yrs old I told her I’d buy her a range. Fucking crazy. #dreamsdocometruebarbz
A Look Behind the Scenes of Her Iconic Yearbook Photo
Although Minaj has expressed embarrassment over her vintage yearbook photo, the image did earn her an entire page on Beyonce’s website, which is so much more than most people can say for their awkward high-school pics.
An Appearance From Khatif
Footage of Her Mysterious Turtle
With any luck, we will learn his name, once and for all.
A Drafting of the First Nictionary
It’s been a while since Nicki has updated her Nictionary, her collection of original phrases ranging from “Alfred Bitchcock” (a term of endearment) to “Tumble Dry” (used when speaking to “washed-up bitches”), but I’d love to see each episode end with young Nicki writing a new catchphrase into a spiral-bound notebook, considering the show will be set in a pre-Internet, pre–Wiki Minaj world.