Travis Scott Has Made the Greatest Cereal the World Will Ever Know
“Side Hustle” is a recurring column in which staff writer Charles Holmes reviews celebrity and celebrity-adjacent products. You can read his previous entry, on Ed Sheeran’s ketchup, here. If the mood takes you, you can also read his review of Rick Ross’s hair care and grooming line here.
Celebrity: Travis Scott
Product: Reese’s Puffs
Who’s This For: The most sophisticated of palates
I haven’t had a bowl of cereal in well over a week. Cow’s milk, bread, rice, pasta, potatoes, fries, pizza, bananas, apples, cake, pie, cookies’ none of it has touched my tongue. Every night, I go home to a fridge and pantry devoid of delicacies and full of vegetables, cheese and assorted deli meats. I eat like a recently divorced caveman.
That’s the keto diet for you. My body feels renewed since I decided to cut most of what I love out of my regular eating habits last month, but my soul is now catatonic.
If you do some research, you find out that all the foods worth living for are generally not the ones that keep you alive the longest. It’s difficult to discern what exactly made my survival complex kick-in — maybe the constant reminders that environmental Armageddon is 30 years away, perhaps my third re-watch of Neon Genesis Evangelion. Regardless, I’ve entered a time of strict dieting and an even stricter adherence to complaining about said diet.
Then, Travis Scott announced a signature box of Reese’s Puffs, which would be sold for $50 (and, remember: Travis Scott products are designed to sell out). The best rapper alive and the best cereal alive had a baby, and that baby was destined to take a weed wacker to my ketosis-fueled enlightenment. As I spun the expertly designed acrylic box with foil lightning, emerald cacti, and theme park maps around, Travis Scott’s action figure mascot stared back at me from the front of the cereal container. I had to eat the sweet, expensive bowl of cereal — my career depended on it. The diet was over.
I can’t tell if it was the monoglycerides, dextrose, and corn syrup invading my body after cutting out sugar for a week, or if there was a special La Flame energy hitting me, but that small, small bowl was the sweetest nectar that’s ever touched my lips. To set the mood, Birds In The Trap Sing McKnight blasted from my headphones; contentment swirled in my heart.
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At $50 a box, Travis Scott’s Reese’s Puffs was by far the most expensive bowl of cereal I’ve ever ingested. Currently, 15 people are “watching” a box of the same cereal on eBay, which is going for $165. Considering there are 11 servings per container, market forces dictate that I was eating a $15 bowl of cereal. Frankly, in my nutrient-dense state, that seems like a steal on the cereal market. My desire to make the experience last became so overwhelming I decided to eat two puffs at a time, then one, until they were all gone.
Thirty minutes later, with a stomach full of chocolate and peanut butter-flavored corn pellets, 2% milk, and a tinge of guilt, it came to me: Sometimes we must sacrifice our health for the things we love. There is a special place in my heart for celebrity products, rapper-endorsed breakfast foods foremost among them. Experiencing Travis Scott’s transformation into a cereal genius is a sacrifice I was willing to make. The keto diet will still be here tomorrow.