This Sunday, we – along with millions of other viewers around the globe – will be perched in front of our TVs and tuning in to watch the 90th Academy Awards. And like the legion of other film fanatics and pop-culture connoisseurs who'll be hanging on host Jimmy Kimmel's every snarky word, we've got a number of burning questions on our minds: Will the woke-horror masterpiece Get Out or the highly controversial Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri be walking away with the Best Picture prize? Or will The Shape of Water somehow split the difference? Which version of screen maternity – Laurie Metcalf's tough-but-fair mom from Lady Bird or Allison Janney's hellspawn matriarch from I, Tonya – is nabbing the Best Supporting Actress award? Will this be the year that Christopher Nolan (Best Director) and Roger Deakins (Best Cinematography) finally go from being Oscars bridesmaids to brides? And most importantly: Should we dip into that barrel-aged bottle of bourbon or just stick to tippling several pints' worth of Pinot Noir?
It goes without saying that we here at Rolling Stone do not condone excessive drinking. But as we've said many times before, some things are too painful to endure sober, and we have a feeling that this year's Oscars – the second ceremony of Trump reign-of-error age and the first of the #MeToo/#TimesUp era – may be one of them. As this broadcast stretches into its ninth hour, you're going to need to dull the pain of so much narcissism and clip montages and very, very concerned famous people patting themselves on the back. So we've provided the rules for our official Oscars 2018 drinking game below. Watch the awards ceremony responsibly, America. And watch out re: Rule No. 17.
Drink THE FIRST TIME:
1. Jimmy Kimmel makes a joke in which the punchline is the title of one of the Best Picture nominees. (Take another slug if the nominee in question is Get Out or Darkest Hour. Take a third shot if the joke involves one of those titles AND is somehow about Trump.)
2. There's a joke about Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri that uses a picture of actual billboards. (We'd say drink EVERY time this happens, but we do not want to flood hospital emergency rooms.)
3. A presenter or winner brings up the notion of diversity. Double the drink if they somehow use it to also promote an upcoming project.
4. There's an earnest reference to #MeToo and/or #TimesUp.
5. Someone actually says the word "hashtag" when referencing either of those movements.
6. The name "Harvey Weinstein" is mentioned. Double the shot if there's booing.
7. Kimmel (or someone else) makes a crack involving Mr. Weinstein and somehow ties it in to The Shape of Water's fish-man romance. For the record, we pray to God we do not have to acknowledge this rule during the broadcast.
8. Someone talks about how weird The Shape of Water is.
9. Someone says, "We're ALL in the Sunken Place!"
10. Someone references how rarely horror gets nominated.
11. Someone references how rarely women directors get nominated.
12. Someone references how rarely African-American directors get nominated.
13. Someone references how rarely Tom Hanks gets nominated.
14. Someone references how rarely Steven Spielberg gets nominated.
15. Someone references how often Meryl Streep gets nominated.
16. Someone makes a joke about how often Meryl Streep wins.
Drink Every TIME:
17. There's a joke about last year's Best Picture Envelopegate (TM) incident. Please be careful with this one, it could get dangerous.
18. A winner makes an impassioned #MeToo and/or #TimesUp acceptance speech.
19. A winner screws up their impassioned #MeToo and/or #TimesUp acceptance speech. Double the amount if said winner is male.
20. News breaks that a nominee is being accused of sexual harassment/inappropriate behavior during the broadcast.
21. The camera doesn't cut away quickly enough and you see a nominee betray how they really feel about losing.
22. The camera cuts to George Clooney after a joke, and he laughs, then looks to his right.
23. Someone makes a joke/comment involving race and the camera cuts to Jordan Peele.
24. Someone makes a joke/comment involving harassment or sexism and the camera cuts to Meryl Streep.
25. A winner thanks Meryl Streep in their speech.
26. Meryl Streep receives an impromptu ovation.
27. Dunkirk wins a technical award.
28. Anyone complains/jokes about a movie or performance not getting nominated. Double the amount if it involves Three Billboards "having apparently directed itself." Triple the amount if said person somehow works in a Ben Affleck/Argo reference as well.
29. Someone mispronounces a nominee's name. Double the shot if the name is Guillermo del Toro. Down the whole bottle if John Travolta is also somehow involved again.
30. An audience participation gimmick falls flat.
31. Somebody makes a joke about fishman/human sex in The Shape of Water.
32. Somebody makes a joke about peach/human sex in Call Me By Your Name.
33. An esteemed British acting nominee fails to show up.
34. The montage of the dead lets through just enough live sound to give you you a sense who people are really clapping for.
35. Someone on Twitter complains about someone being left out of the moratorium and, like, WTF, Academy?!? (Careful with this one, too.)
36. Any time someone jokes about how long the Oscar telecast runs. Double the shot if this happens during the fifth or sixth hour of the show.
37. Jimmy Kimmel apologizes for being another white dude host.
FINISH THE BOTTLE IF:
38. Jordan Peele accepts an award as one of his Key & Peele characters. Drink two bottles if it's Wendell Sanders.
39. A winner who tells the audience to visit a URL to get more information about his/her pet political cause.
40. A winner refers to his/her project as "a labor of love."
41. The words "powerful," "important" and/or "brave" are used. Double the shot if the phrase "now more than ever" is also used.
42. You swear you're never watching the Oscars again, then remember you said the exact same thing last year.
From 'Shape of Water' to 'Three Billboards,' Peter Travers predicts Oscars 2018's winners – and picks who actually deserves to take home the gold. Watch below.