If I didn't make it clear before, let me just reiterate how much I love Crazy Hannah. The nervous tics, the burgeoning hypochondria ("Do millions of microbes really live on our skin?" she googles. "At what age does our body start melting down?"), the total failure to thrive are all my fears manifest in one character. "You're the future, I guess!" John Cameron Mitchell barks when reminding Hannah she has to actually finish her ebook. "I'm going to write a book in a day," Hannah sings to herself in a demented voice, curling further under the covers. All of which seems like it would make for a great season finale!
Except . . . Hannah doesn't write the book. She panics and squats and calls her father to loan her the advance money so she doesn't get sued. "Goddamn it if I'm going to let you stop my heart every three hours with drama!" he reasonably replies. As a solo episode, last night's is a winner. As a season finale, it was emotional chaos. Each storyline was (hopefully temporarily) resolved in the most confusing manner possible, save for Shoshanna and Ray's relationship. After getting the short end of the crack pipe the entire season, it was finally Shoshanna's time to shine! And by "shine," I mean, "sit like a fragile, beautiful bird and break her homeless boyfriend's heart." Watching a miserable Shoshanna shriek "You do need therapy!" at a baffled Ray made up for all those long stretches without her. Colin Quinn was a delight as Ray's boss, but a new managerial position at the Brooklyn Heights Grumpy's couldn't stop Shosh's unraveling. "You hate everything. I can't be the only thing you like," she weeps. "Maybe I can deal with your black soul when I'm older. Maybe we can be in love then." Beautiful and brutal.
After a fabulous scene like that, I was kind of baffled by the rest of the episode. Charlie and Marnie get back together, which seems like a horrifically lame idea. "We have all these experiences so one day we can settle down," Marnie beams after oral sex and brunch. Charlie balks for approximately the amount of time it takes for Marnie to storm out the front door of Roberta's, and then he decides to love her forever again. "I'm not getting back with you for the money, because I don't even know how much you make," Marnie reassures him. Hmmmmmmm. I'm assuming money and/or stability is exactly the reason newly artistic Marnie wants back in Charlie's heart, mainly because that's the only motivation that makes any sense. Then again, who ever knows with these two crazy kids?
I also don't know what we're supposed to take away from Natalia and Adam's final sex scene. "I can like your cock and not be a whore. Do you understand?" she tells him. Are we to believe that Adam and Hannah are destined to be together because he can't have non-degrading sex? I'm sure there are plenty of ladies in New York who would be down for that business besides Hannah, but that doesn't stop Adam from ripping apart his weird wooden boat in a rage. It's for the best. There was no way he was getting that boat out of his apartment in one piece.
Back at Casa de OCD, Hannah gives herself a Heaven's Gate haircut, which Laird must then attempt to correct. Remember Laird? From the coke episode? You might think having a junkie fix your bangs would constitute rock bottom, but it's not until said junkie starts (accurately) dressing you down that you know you’ve finally reached the foul rag and bone shop of the heart. "You are the most self-involved, presumptuous person I know," Laird declares. "You're forgetting about everyone who is fucking it up here," Hannah weeps on Jessa's voicemail. Marnie also stops by to help Hannah, who scampers like a startled chimp from her nest of floor blankets to hide behind her bed.
If only we could have seen Marnie and Hannah re-friend each other rather than rehash the same romantic entanglements over and over again. In the end, a call is placed and Adam . . . rescues Hannah? From herself? I guess Hannah just had to systematically try to give her burden to everyone in her life until Adam took the bait. After sprinting to her house shirtless and smashing in the door (did Hannah buy her deadbolt at the dollar store?), Adam scoops up Hannah in his arms and they kiss. We're not supposed to be happy about this development, are we? Ain't no dramatic music swells big enough to cure that OCD or teach you to live in the world or grow those bangs back, girl. It's like a wise woman once said about 12 hours ago: "Life is rough, man. You kind of have to ride it like a pony or else you get a haircut."
It's wonderful that a dark, terrible weirdo like Hannah has slouched onto the shiny television landscape. I just wish we could see where else that dark, terrible story could have gone. Anywhere else.
Last week: My Life on My Back