Let’s try to find something nice to say about the Oscars. Scorsese got to receive his Oscar from Coppolla. Forest Whitaker was the first Fast Times at Ridgemont High alum to win since Jeff Spicoli. (Next year: Phoebe Cates!) Helen Mirren, Rinko Kikuchi and Maggie Gyllenhaal were intense. So was Ennio Morricone, but Clint didn’t translate the part where he said, “Yo Clint, what the fuck is up with the shadow dancer mimes? And where’s that Jessica Alba bocchinara? Dio santo, I’d like to grab a fistful of her dollars!”
This was the most tedious Oscars show ever. Top ten reasons why:
1. No James Brown in the dead-people montage? What, they never saw Slaughter’s Big Rip-Off? What about The Blues Brothers or Rocky IV? Shameful. He’s a greedy man, people!
2. Who invited Mary-Kate Olsen? Oh wait — hi, Peter O’Toole! You and Helen Mirren can reminisce about the wild times you had running around naked boning goats in Caligula! Or not!
3. The sad decline of Jennifer Lopez into beige-wearing mother-of-the-bride territory. If you could go back in time to 1997 and say that someday Gwyneth would be flaunting her rack at the Oscars and Jennifer Lopez wouldn’t, nobody would believe you, right? Did Gwyneth even have breasts then? And now Jennifer’s going to be a guest coach on American Idol? Isn’t that like Al Gore giving pointers at Flashdancers?
4. Beyoncé singing a bunch of crap show tunes instead of “Irreplaceable.” What’s up with Eddie Murphy in such a dumb anti-disco movie after his brilliant “Boogie In Your Butt” and “Party All the Time?” He should have won this shit for Pluto Nash! Oh well — during the Dreamgirls medley, we clicked to VH1 Classic and got some Echo and the Bunnymen.
5. Who invited Ryan Seacrest? Stick to the links, sweetheart. (We love how pissed Ryan gets when people call him “sweetheart.”)
6. Those shadow dancer mimes were dumber than six owls getting fucked by eight chickens. Dumb montages. Dumb comedy bits. And sorry, but after two speeches by Al Gore, several speeches about him and a Melissa Etheridge song, we’re ready to slap a few penguins. Christ, Al, would it have killed you to just win Tennessee? But it was fun to see him with Leonardo (“Hey, remember the ’90s, when we both were younger and hotter and had cool jobs? That was awesome!”), inspiring Leo’s first public smile since The Man in the Iron Mask. (Anybody remember the Pet Shop Boys’ “I Want To Wake Up”? Now there was a winner!)
7. Why did it keep flashing the word “FRODO” on the screen? The hobbits are gone, people. Let them die.
8. Phat Girlz didn’t win anything? Like any of the Best Screenplay nominees could top dialogue like “I’m plump as a roast and thicker than most!”
9. They made us wait way too long for the dead-people montage, maybe because they were waiting for a status update on Peter O’Toole. Unfortunately, there wasn’t time to add all the people who hanged themselves in the bathroom while Celine was singing.
10. Where WAS Jessica Alba?