Where we left off: Andrew, the tiny punk-ass prisoner, opened the prison gates and released hell. T-Dog got bit closing the gates to protect the others. Carol is presumed dead. Maggie performed an emergency C-section on Lori, who didn’t survive the delivery. Carl put a bullet into his dead mom’s brain. Rick melted down when he saw the baby without her mother.
Where we pick up – well, lookie here! It’s a summer fun party in Woodbury! Milton brings Andrea a nice cold drink. (Wait. I thought they were leaving? The ladies are still there?) Milty seems somewhat bummed that they’re running the generators jut to provide cool beverages, but The Governor thinks it’s worth it. Andrea begs Milty to tell her about the party’s big climactic pay-off. “Mere words cannot adequately describe the festivities ahead,” he says. Michonne rolls her eyes.
In his house, The Governor tenderly brushes a little girl’s hair. He yanks out a chunk of rotting skull tissue and the little girl snarls viciously. Awesome. The Gov keeps his dead zombie daughter around, you know, as one does. He subdues her by wrapping her arms in a straightjacket and yanking a pillowcase over her head. Then he hugs her and soothes her and tells her that Daddy loves her. Oh, hi, Penny. So you are a zombie daughter and your daddy loves you. Got it. Michonne looks up at the Governor from the street. She rolls her eyes.
At the prison, the goopy newborn cries and cries. Rick is in total shock and everything sounds underwater to him. Daryl takes control, organizing a search party go find some formula to feed the baby. Glenn thinks there’s a shopping center that may not have been looted but the roads are too blocked to get there by car. We all know what sort of car it is but they’ve already gotten enough product placement, thank you very much. Daryl only has room for one passenger on his motorcycle and Maggie really wants to go. Glenn tells her to be safe. Maggie, you are a tough woman and your boyfriend loves you. I am not Michonne so I am not rolling my eyes.
Rick grabs his hatchet and storms the prison, taking out his anger and rage on as many zombies as he can find. Oh, hi, Kubler-Ross scale! Rick looks like he’s mightily involved in the anger segment.
In Woodbury, The Governor addresses his people. “The first time we gathered together, there were nine of us holed up in an apartment with spam and saltine crackers. But look at us now! We’ve built a place we can call home! It’s ours!” he declares. “Today, we raise a glass to us!” he shouts. Huzzah!
Michonne sneaks off during the celebration and breaks into The Gov’s house. She opens his cabinet of wonders and reclaims her katana. She finds his super secret diary, where the name “Penny” is underlined followed by page after page of hashmarks. Is The Gov keeping track of how many days his daughter has been a zombie? Or does he just like to doodle hashmarks when he’s bored? I can’t believe AMC didn’t tell us to tweet “hashtag hashmark” during this scene. Missed opportunity, marketing department.
Michonne grabs a knife to pry open The Gov’s locked mancave door, but The Gov and his henchmen return. She hides behind a curtain. Milton whines to The Governor that they’re using too much power and it’s going to ruin an experiment he’s working on. He wants to postpone tonight’s proceedings. The Governor refuses.
Michonne is alone outside. She hears zombie snarls and hisses from behind a fence. Our fearless fighter bashes the gate open, and pulls her sword as the zombies emerge. She katanas them all to their second-death within rapid succession. Someone carrying a bucket of guts steps into this courtyard and sees Michonne surveying her zombie carnage. That someone drops the bucket.
The Governor confronts Michonne. “You get off on that?” he asks her. “Poking around other people’s things? We’ve got nothing to hide.” Michonne spits back, “People with nothing to hide don’t feel the need to say so.” She tells him she knows about Penny, and The Gov counters that he is just a guy trying to do right for the people he cares about. He’s just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her not to shove her katana into his throat.
Back at the prison, Glenn digs a grave. Axel and Oscar report back that they’ve checked the perimeter. The prisoners are sorry about Glenn’s loss. Glenn stalks off to mourn and Axel and Oscar take over the grave-digging. Glenn tells Hershel that T-Dog was the greatest man ever, who rescued senior citizens during the mandatory zombie evacuations and saved Glenn’s life a million times. Goodbye, T-Dog. You were a better man who deserved a bigger speaking part on this show.
The Gov asks for Andrea’s help. He tells her that Michonne stole her sword and busted out and took down a dozen walkers. Andrea tries to talk to Michonne, but Michonne insists that they have to leave Woodbury, and stat. She says the place is not what it seems to be, and she thinks they’re being held prisoner.
Speaking of prisoners: Rick is wreaking major carnage on the zombies in the prison. He stands in shock amidst the decaying bodies of the zombies he slaughtered. Glenn tries to reason with him and asks his to come back because their cellblock is cleared. Rick slams his forearm into Glenn’s throat and throws him out of the way. Rick’s not much for words these days.
Out there in the fields (where they fought for their meals), Merle and his research team capture some zombies they’ve trapped in a pit. Milton sees something interesting in one of their eyes. Merle’s henchmen hold down a very mean zombie and Merle begins to pry out his teeth. Just normal things one does when a big party is going on back at home, right?
Daryl and Maggie discover an abandoned daycare center on their search for formula. Maggie finds a stash of baby bottles and puts them in her backpack. They investigate further. In the kitchen, there are snarling and hissing noises coming from a closet. Daryl aims his crossbow. OMG, they are going to open the door and find a herd of baby zombies. DON’T DO IT MAGGIE, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! Just kidding, it’s just an opossum. Ha ha, opossum scare. Maggie discovers the baby formula mother lode and loads up her pack.
Merle sees the ladies with their traveling gear and tells them they can’t leave now because it’s almost curfew and he’ll have to arrange an escort. Merle talks to a guard. Michonne glances at Andrea. Andrea says that the Gov told them they were free to come and go as they pleased. Merle snaps at her, and Michonne’s all, “See, I told you we are prisoners! There’s always a reason why we can’t leave yet!” Merle opens the gate. Oh. Michonne insists this is a big trick and urges Andrea to follow her. Andrea is tired of eating twigs and roaming the wasteland with pet zombies. She likes having a bed and food and a governor with whom to flirt. Fine, then. Michonne storms away.
The Governor sits next to Andrea. He’s sorry things didn’t work with her little sword-wielding friend and he offers her a drink and something to take her mind off things. They walk off arm-in-arm. Andrea and The Governor, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g.
At the prison, Glenn watches for Daryl and Maggie. He hears the motorcycle and Axel and Oscar draw the walkers away from the gate. They’re back, and they’re safe, and they have formula. The hungry baby cries and cries. Daryl picks her up while Beth prepares a bottle. Does this little girl have a name? Carl stammers, “Maybe . . . Sophia? Or, there’s Carol, too. Or . . . Andrea, Amy, Jackie, Patricia. Or, Lori.” All the dead ladies. Daryl names the baby girl Li’l Asskicker instead. Right on.
Rick spots a pool of blood and a body that looks like it might have a pregnant belly. Is this dead Lori? No, it’s a fat, bloated walker who might have just eaten Lori’s body. Rick acts like he might cut into the zombie’s tummy to C-section his wife’s remains, but then he goes all stabbytown on the undead dude. While sounding a barbaric yawp. Things are getting awfully strange in Rickville.
At Woodbury, it’s finally time for their glorious festivities. The Gov leads Andrea up a stack of bleachers. The crowd is excited and riled up, except for Milty who is sort of bumming. Huge floodlights illuminate an arena. It’s Zombietime World Wrestling Federation! Merle and a henchman face off to fight, surrounded by chained-up zombies. So it’s not just Woodbury’s own MMA squad, but they have the added incentive of a zombie perimeter. The Woodbury crowd loves this fight club. Andrea is disgusted, but The Gov pulls her back and tells her that the whole thing is staged – the zombies don’t have teeth, and they just do all this to let off steam. Andrea is repulsed that they keep walkers around just for entertainment, but The Governor insists that they’re teaching the people not to be afraid of zombies. Merle wins the fight and the crowd chants his name triumphantly. Saturday night’s all right for fighting!
The sun rises over the prison. Darryl approaches the grave and places a Cherokee Rose in the dirt, for Carol.
Rick leans his bloody head against a pipe as L’il Asskicker cries in the distance. A telephone rings. Rick answers: “Hello?”
Who is on the other line? Is it Lionel Richie? Will we ever see Michonne again? Is Woodbury really that terrible of a town? How long until the baby eats up all the formula? When will Carl try to make out with Beth? Until next time, zombiefriends!