Where we left off: Daryl fell into a creek during the never-ending search for Sophia, hallucinated and went slightly nuts. Andrea accidentally shot Daryl because she thought he was a zombie. Doc Greene didn’t want Team Greene becoming too friendly with the Still Alives. Glen wanted to bonk Maggie in the hayloft, but the barn was full of zombies.
Where we pick up: Lori and Carl the Kid are feeding chickens. You know, cluckety clucky, feeding the chickens as one normally does while recovering from a gunshot wound and massive surgery. Good on ya, Carl! You bounced back so quickly! Carl spots a bunch of chicks and wants to know where the mommy chicken is. Lori puts on her smirky smirkface and says, “Maybe she’s somewhere else.” Somewhere else like in their bellies?
No! Somewhere else like in the garage with one of the Blonde Lady Team Greeners! Yikes! She breaks the chicken’s leg and shoves it into a sack. The sack wriggles around her wheelbarrow as she takes it up to the Zombie Barn. Blondie dumps several live chickens down to the zombies who start moaning and groaning and tearing into the poor chickens. (Zombies like live bait, as we learned from the canned ham experiment at the well). These zombies are all super-duper decayed and gross and they cry out in zombie glee.
Wait, hold the phone. Pigeons cooing on my fire escape are loud enough to wake me up from Ambien sleep, but the Still Alives have never noticed the squabble of multiple dying chickens wailing in the zombie barn? Nor the moaning zombies? Because, honestly, the zombies eating the chickens sounded a lot like the world’s best and loudest party. No one in this show ever seems to worry about sound being an issue, except for when they need some noise to function as a zombie-attracting plot device. Okay, then. Nobody hears the squawking and so Blondie feeds the zombies and leaves them alone.
Glen stares at Zombie Barn through binoculars. Maggie storms over with some food. “You couldn’t be more obvious than staring directly at the barn where my family is secretly storing zombies? Geez Louise,” she scolds. Glen’s silence will not be bought with peaches. Although there is also some jerky. Maggie needs Glen to trust her. Glen is worried because he is a very bad liar.
Glen delivers the food to the other Still Alives. He is acting sort of shady (ain’t calling me “baby”) and Uncle Dale notices. Andrea unzips Daryl’s tent and hands him a book, The Case of the Missing Man. If this were Lost, we would have to research that book, but this is The Walking Dead so Andrea just apologizes that the book isn’t so great and Daryl wishes it had more pictures. Andrea is also sorry that she shot Daryl, but Daryl says it’s okay because she was trying to protect the camp. Andrea and her annoying, smug face got off really easy on that one. Daryl didn’t even ask to see her boobs or anything.
Glen is worried that Lori hasn’t told Sheriff Rick about her delicate condition. She needs special pregnancy things, like vitamins! And she is way too skinny, and she should eat more jerky. (That’s what she said). So Glen offers to go back into town and get the supplies. Why didn’t they clear out the pharmacy the last time they were there? Surely someone might need prenatal vitamins if your group of people contains the last living humans on earth! If you can pick up condoms, you can pick up vitamins.
Sheriff Rick and Shane talk to Jimmy about where they should keep looking for Sophia. It’s been a long enough time that your kid with the gunshot wound is up and feeding chickens, but you’re still looking for the little girl who is lost in the zombie-infested woods? Okay, then! The two Blondie Team Greeners want to learn how to shoot, and they even have Hershel’s consent.
Carl also wants gun training. Shane says he’ll need parental permission, and then realizes that the kid is packing heat with a gun he stole from the RV. Rick thinks it’s okay for his kid to learn how to shoot – after all, there are zombies around and Carl shouldn’t be unprotected. Lori, who definitely knows from unprotected (wocka wocka), is like, “That is a tiny child, he will not be holding a gun.” But Carl apologizes for disappointing her and explains that he stole the gun because he wants to look for Sophia and help defend the camp. I love how we barely hear this kid speak and then suddenly, he unleashes this eloquent soliloquy about why he needs a gun. Lori is moved enough that she relents.
Everyone heads off to hunting school – except for Glen, who lies that he is looking for Dale to learn how to change the RV’s spark plugs. Glen has absolutely no puh-puh-pokerface and Dale tells him to just spill the beans. Glen blurts out, “There’s walkers in the barn and Lori’s pregnant!” Man. They could have saved us three episodes with that one little scene.
Way over yonder at target practice, everyone is shooting guns and making lots of noise because noise no longer matters. Smugface Andrea (that’s her new name; we are only calling her Smugface Andrea henceforth) has trouble shooting until she tries a different gun. All of a sudden, she’s an expert markswoman. Shane invites her to stay after class for the “advanced lessons.” Hey, if that’s what the kids are calling it these days. Smugface Andrea molests the barrel of the gun and purrs, “So, you’ve decided to stay?” I definitely smell some humpings in the air.
Back at the Greene Farm, Uncle Dale finds Hershel in the stables, taking care of Nervous Nellie. The horse came home, even though she was so spooked by the snake! Dale starts to spin a yarn about how much he loves all of the Good Doc’s beautiful fields, how he was just strolling around and just happened to go close to the barn, and oh, hey, just happened to notice that the barn was full of zombies. Hershel is not thrilled by this development. He explains that he watched all the broadcasts about the zombie plague and that all the zombies are sick with a disease. Uncle Dale argues that the zombies are dangerous. Hershel counters that paranoid schizophrenics are also dangerous, but we don’t shoot at them and smash their skulls with rocks. “We don’t kill sick people,” Hershel warns. “My wife and stepson are in that barn. They’re people.” Hoo boy.
Uncle Dale wants to share this information with Sheriff Rick so they can secure the barn to make sure that the Alive People and the Sick Zombie People are safe from each other. Hershel cautions him that the best way to help is keep this secret. (Seeeecrets.)
Lori approaches Hershel and thanks him again for letting them crash at his farm. The Good Doc comments that it’s a good thing that little Carl can shoot because his newfound gun skills will come in handy on the road to Fort Benning. Lori goes, “Um, guh?”
Yonder at Advanced Gun Training 201, Shane yells at Smugface Andrea like a drill sergeant, “Come on, girl! There’s walkers all around! Stop getting so emotional! You take that fear and you repress it and you shoot that gun! Look at me! I am so tough! I could be whistling Dixie and I would still hit that target! You shoot like a girl! Look, there’s the zombie that ate your dead sister, so you’d better shoot him!” Smugface Andrea can’t believe he pulled the dead sister card. She stalks off, furious. I hope a zombie eats her face off.
Shane follows her in his brand new, shiny car (that shall remain nameless; they already got their ad buy) and wants to drive her home. Smugface Andrea is still pissed because he crossed the dead-sister line. To make it up to her, he offers to take her Sophia-hunting. Better than roses and chocolate!
Back at camp, Lori feels sick to her tum-tum. Dale chases after her and spins another long anecdote about how when his wife was pregnant, she got nauseated at the smell of cooking meat. Lori knows that Dale knows. Oh, that Glen! His loose lips are sinking ships left and right. Dale urges her to tell Rick, and then he realizes that the baby could also be Shane’s because Lori and Shane were doin’ it back in the day. Lori is ashamed. She was so miserable and she just wanted to feel something, anything (she actually says that, ugh). So she knocked boots with Shane and they didn’t use a condom and now she is preggers and doesn’t know who the father is. Lori doesn’t want to bring a baby into this world because it will only know fear and pain. Dale says that they can still experience joy (because after all, isn’t that why Lori was boning Shane?). But Lori is adamant that her baby has no chance of ever growing old and dying happy. Dale pantomimes “I am dumbfounded” for a ridiculously long time.
Lori admits to Glen that she does need help, and she asks him to go back into town to pick up more supplies. He and Maggie hitch up their horses because apparently it is faster to ride horses into town than to drive, even though there are abandoned cars all over the road that they could just take. Maggie is fuming because she is so pissed that Glen told Dale about Zombie Barn. Glen is like, “Um, you have a barn full of zombies, that is insane.” And Maggie replies that those aren’t zombies, that’s her mom and her brother and her neighbors and friends and half of her sixth grade class and the nice lady from down the road who always smelled a little bit like cats. It was okay for her to kill that one zombie with the baseball bat, but it is not okay for her to kill zombies who were people she once knew. She has a sliding set of zombie morals.
Inside the pharmacy, Maggie is still pissed that Glen is keeping Lori’s secrets while revealing all of her Zombie Barn secrets. (Seeeecrets.) Glen tries to get Maggie off his back by sharing his list of Lori supplies. Maggie sulks off behind the counter and starts rummaging through the pills (why didn’t they take ALL OF THE PILLS?) when suddenly a zombie grabs her arm. She shrieks and Glen wallops him. The zombie rises again because his head is almost severed but not quite, so Glen hacks into his skull. I sure hope Maggie didn’t know that zombie, because she would find herself in quite the ethical quandary. “Oh no, that was nice Mr. Brown! He always gave me a lollipop when I came in to get animal medicine because my dad is a vet! How could you kill him?” Just kidding, she does not say that.
Shane and Smugface Andrea take his shiny new car to a McMansion development. Oh, please, loot everything! Take whatever you can get! Surely those houses are filled with some high-end luxury goods, or at least some antibiotics! They break in and look for Sophia. As they’re checking out the garage, a horde of zombies lurches up outside the house. Shane shoots and Andrea fumbles. Shane snaps at her to focus, and BAM, she is now an ace zombie killer. Smugface takes out those zombies like she’s playing a first-person shooter, almost refusing to get into the car because she is so amped on the thrill of victory.
Maggie and Glen ride back to camp and Maggie is irate. She yells that they are not Lori’s little errand boys, but, here: here is your conditioner and your Soap Opera Digest and your abortion pills. Maggie is so angry, she simply has to make out with Glen. She hates that Glen is so smart and such a good leader and his people only use him as zombie bait and for running into town to pick up abortion pills.
Lori apologizes to Glen for making him her bitch. Glen insists that he was the one who offered to go into town, and besides, he always comes back safe. He asks if the morning-after pills will actually work. Lori isn’t sure. Surprise! Glen also picked up prenatal vitamins in case Lori changes her mind. Now Lori has a super big decision to make. Glen suggests that she tell her husband about the fact that she is either aborting or keeping their baby. That would probably be a nice thing to do.
Shane and Smugface Andrea flee the zombies in their shiny car, and Andrea is totally hepped up on zombie-slaughter. She grabs Shane’s crotch, and they stop the car in the middle of the road to have car sex. One would think they would at least pull over and make sure that they were hidden from marauding zombies, but, hey, a crotch-grab in a car means it’s time for instant gratification.
Back at camp, Lori freaks out and eats all of the morning-after pills. Every single one. Once I took a double dose of antibiotics and I threw up in the garbage can under my desk, so I can only imagine how dreadful she feels after taking every single morning-after pill left in existence. She runs outside and sticks her finger down her throat to vomit up the pills. Good choice, Lori! The pills are gone and now you are pregnant and you have to deal with that. No more options for you, Lori! Perhaps you should have thought this through.
Shane and Smugface return to camp and Uncle Dale totally smells sex all over them. He threatens Shane and tells him that he knows about his sexytimes with Lori and how he aimed his gun at Sheriff Rick that one time in the woods. Shane gets all puffed up and says that he loves Rick like his brother, and if he’s the type of guy who would shoot his brother than imagine what he would do to an old man in a fisherman’s hat who starts accusing him of shit and telling him to leave. Oh boy. The zombies are not enough of a threat to the Still Alives! They have to hate each other, too! Good job, humanity!
Sheriff Rick goes looking for Lori and sees all the empty morning-after pill packets. He makes a big, stupid duhhhhh face. He finds Lori having a breakdown. She tells him that she’s pregnant and she threw up those pills and she’s terrified that they’ll have to leave the Greene Farm. Remember that flashback where Lori was pissed that Rick never yells at her? He finally screams at her, pissed off that Glen knew about the fetus before he did and how they can’t keep secrets from each other anymore. (Seeecrets.) Lori doesn’t want to have a baby in a ditch and she knows that every time the baby cries, they’ll be in zombie-danger. Rick just wants to be able to make this decision with her. Finally, he announces, “I can’t live like this anymore. Is there anything else I should know about?” Lori shoots him a side-eye, and finally stammers, “Shane and I …”
Rick knows that Lori and Shane were boffing. He figured it out. But he wants to know that’s because Lori thought he was dead. You thought he was dead, right, Lori? Right, Lori? Huh? Huh? Huh?
Humans: Sophia is still missing. Yawnsville.
Zombies: One ex-pharmacist is dead. The barn is filled with People Sick With Zombie Disease.
LAST EPISODE: What a Tangled Zombie Web We Weave