Where we left off: Andrea somehow managed to set up negotiations between the Governor (representing Team Woodbury) and Rick (repping for his Prison Gang). During their man-to-man heart-to-heart, the Gov insisted that he’d stop waging war on the Prison Gang if only Rick were to turn over Michonne. He gave Rick two days to make his decision and then returned to Woodbury, where he revealed that he wanted his soldiers to massacre all of the Still Alives. Rick headed back to the prison and told his people that the Gov declared war, convinced that they would let him give up Michonne if only they were frightened enough. But good, kind Hershel weighed in with a somewhat cool head, explaining that Michonne saved the Prison Gang’s lives and that she’s earned a place amongst their ranks.
Where we pick up: Flashback time! It’s Michonne and Andrea, back when they were on the road together along with their My Pet Zombies. Andrea asks about the jawless, armless wonders: Who are they? Did they attack? Did Michonne know them? Michonne shoots Andrea her trademark side-eye. Ah, so she knew them. Does she want to talk about it? Of course not, she’s Michonne. She spits out that whoever these people were before the zombpocalypse, they weren’t human.
The Governor builds a torture chamber in his basement. Either he’s preparing for hours of fun going Jack Bauer-style on Michonne, or else he’s really excited about finally reading 50 Shades of Grey. Actually, he does look rather turned on by the shackles he’s constructed. Easy there, Christian Grey.
The Woodburian army is gearing up for an attack. Andrea asks Milton what’s up – isn’t there a deal on the table? Milton mutters something about a show of force. And speaking of a show of force! The Governor unpacks his stash of torture devices, going straight for the speculum. Um. This is really creepytown already.
Milton discovers the Governor setting up his gynecological tools of terror. This ain’t cool, Mister Governor, sir. Milton is upset and disgusted with the Governor – he urges him to calm down and back off. But the Governor wants revenge on Michonne for killing his zombie daughter, and he’s hell-bent on justice.
Milton realizes the Gov is up to no good and he confides in Andrea, bringing her into the Governor’s laboratory. They spy on One-Eyed Willy and Andrea susses out that her (ex) boyfriend is a no-good dude. Andrea is ready to kill him, here and now. This shit is sick – look, here’s the Governor with a nasty-looking fishhook and some really thick thread. Uh. So my brain goes: you have a speculum out so you’re going to sew Michonne’s vagina shut? I think? Kill him now, Andrea! She takes aim but Milton stops her, protecting his friend. Once upon a time, before Phillip was the Governor, he apparently wasn’t a monster. Milton urges Andrea to escape and warn her friends at the prison, and Andrea encourages him to come with her. But he can’t leave Woodbury, so Andrea kisses him goodbye and tells him to stop looking the other way.
Tyrese and his sister Sasha are on zombie-wall duty, and Andrea tries to convince them that they’re needed on the other side of town. They won’t take orders from anyone but Martinez, so she pulls her knife on them and hisses that the Governor is not what he seems. They reluctantly let her over the wall. Andrea’s on the run! And Tyrese is going to be in all sorts of trouble! He confesses to the Gov that he let Andrea go, but he holds from spilling back her little warning. The Gov assigns Tyrese to Martinez’s team and storms off to go track down Andrea. Milton begs him to let Andrea go back to her people, and the Gov snaps, slamming Milty into a wall.
Martinez rounds up Tyrese and Sasha to join their old traveling buddy Allen on a special mission. Allen is still bitter about the time Tyrese saved his wife Donna from zombie death, shaming him in front of his son Ben. Allen just wants to fit in here even though Tyrese is wary of Team Woodbury.
Andrea runs from Woodbury, pausing only when she hears a truck coming from the direction of the town. She scrambles into the woods and the truck drives by – schwooo. Time to relax for a second. BUT WAIT! HOLY SHIT! A zombie grabs her from behind, pinning her to a tree. And two zombies approach from the front as Andrea fumbles for her knife! Just as a gnarly lady zombie is about to take a hunk out of her arm, Andrea plunges her knife into its skull. She snaps the other zombie’s arm and breaks free from his clutches, taking out her attackers. Woof. Admit it, you totally screamed.
Martinez, Tyrese and the gang drive off to the zombie-catching pit, which has some weird noise-making walker-attracting devices that look like they came straight off of the island on Lost. Tyrese realizes that Martinez is catching zombies to set them on the Prison Gang. He’s disgusted – there are women and children in the prison and this is all sorts of fucked up. Tyrese refuses to help and wants to leave the Woodburians but Allen confronts him. Allen is down with Team Woodbury and insists he’ll look out for his son. “Like you looked after Donna?” taunts Tyrese. They brawl and Tyrese dangles Allen over the zombie pit. He lets him go and Martinez sneers that they should go back to town and do some knitting.
Andrea runs through a field when another truck approaches: it’s the Governor, and boy does he look mad. She flees from him, sprinting towards an abandoned building that is surely just crawling with zombies. The Governor stalks her through this warehouse in full Cape Fear “Come out, come out wherever you aaaaaaare” evil mode. Andrea manages to evade him, even as he pleads for her to come home with him. When his opening gambit doesn’t work, the Governor goes ballistic, smashing through the warehouse with a shovel. Andrea slays some zombies. The Governor slays more zombies. Andrea tries to escape and opens a door to a staircase surging with walkers. The Governor finally tracks her down but she nimbly slides behind the staircase door, unleashing a sea of snarling, flesh-craved zombies onto the man she used to bone. Well done, lady! Now get the heck out of there and go warn your buddies back at the prison!
Meanwhile, someone from Team Woodbury sets out to sabotage operation Zombie Pit. He (or she?) douses the zombies with gasoline and sets them on fire, driving away under the cover of darkness. Good on ya, Tyrese? I think?
Andrea spots the prison and waves, trying to attract Rick’s attention. She’s going to be okay! Hooray! There’s no way her ex-lover could have survived that throng of zombies. Mistah Governor – he dead, right? OH NO HOLY SHIT, it’s the Governor! He somehow survived! Oh holy fuck! Rick thinks he sees something happening out in the woods and he scouts through his riflescope. He looks, and then looks again. He shakes his head. This is the man who sees things that aren’t there, after all.
Martinez’s henchman drives back to the Zombie Pit, where the walkers are all burnt to living embers. This is a horrible sight and I wish we could unsee the barbecued walkers. It sort of makes you feel sorry for those fuckers.
The Governor returns to Woodbury, covered in blood after his zombie travails. He confronts Tyrese about what happened at the zombie pit. The Governor explains that he was never going to use the zombies as weapons – they were just for show to scare the Prison Gang because people are more afraid of biters on a leash than a gun in their face. Why didn’t Martinez just say that? Because Team Woodbury doesn’t discuss tactics with people they don’t know. Oh dear. Tyrese is sorry, sir. He got heated and shot his mouth off. It won’t happen again. The Governor just wants to know where he found the gasoline. Uh zigga huh? What gasoline? Oh shit. So it wasn’t Tyrese.
The Governor stalks off, sneering at Milton that he already knows who set fire to the zombies. (So, it was Milton, right? It was Milton no longer looking the other way?) The Governor continues on his mean and nasty way, and we follow an endless tracking shot that twists and turns until it leads to the inevitable scene we know we’re going to see – there’s Andrea, bound and gag, strapped into the Governor’s gynecological chamber of horror. Oh holy fuck.
Please come rescue her, Prison Gang! I’m sorry I said all those things about Andrea being really annoying! She’s been so wishy-washy all season! But she was so awesome tonight! And she’s a good person! Hurry up, Michonne! Please save your friend from the Governor’s fishhook and thread!