Where we left off: Rick and Glenn went into town to retrieve an off-the-wagon Hershel from the bar. They met two new people named Dave and Tony who used the word “cooze” so Rick shot them. Hershel’s daughter Beth is in shock and Lori crashed her car going after Rick and Glenn who were already going after Hershel. These people!
Where we pick up: A snarling zombie tries to eat Lori! She is trapped in her wrecked car! Dear Zombie, please eat Lori. Your friend, Bex. The zombie grabs Lori’s hair as she fumbles for a weapon, but Lori manages to stab him in the eye. She gets out of the car, all alone on a deserted road, which is no place for a lady in her delicate condition. Behind you, Lori! There’s another zombie! She smashes him in the face with a hubcap and then shoots him, and I truly hope the gunshot noise draws an entire army of the walking dead to tear her into bits and pieces.
In Ye Olde Towne Bar, which is lit very atmospherically to look like a mysterious oldsy-timesy saloon, Rick and Glenn and Hershel hear voices outside. It must be Dave and Tony’s Friends! Glenn scoots over to block the door and the Friends call out for help. “We don’t want any trouble, ” they shout, with their thick Philadelphia accents. “We’re just looking for our friends! This place is crawling with corpses and if you could help us not get killed, I’d appreciate it.” Oh dear, Friends. Your pals are also corpses and they are lying on the floor of this bar. And now please say the words “bagel” and “water” with your Philly accents so we can laugh at you a little bit.
Rick shouts back that Dave and Tony drew on them first and gave them no choice but to shoot them dead. You know how it is, Friends! It’s like that now and Dave and Tony were in the wrong place, wrong – gunshots. They’re all caught in an old-fashioned saloon shoot-out and it would be awesome if the Three Amigos showed up singing “My Little Buttercup” right about now. Rick screams that they all know this situation is not going to end well. Glenn sneaks out the backdoor and into the hazed-up basement. Look at all that haze! Someone sure spent his or her art budget on a fog machine! I bet it smells just like a bat mitzvah in there. A mysterious doorknob starts to turn so Glenn shoots at it. Stupid doorknob.
Shane sets off to find Lori once the rest of the Still Alives realize she’s missing. He discovers her flipped-over car and notices the two dead zombies but no sign of Lori. If this turns into another season-long search for Sophia, there is going to be hell to pay.
Back in the Olde Towne Bar, Rick wants Glenn to go bring the car around back and tells Hershel to cover him. A random Friend shoots at Glenn so Hershel takes him down. Luckily, Glenn is unhurt and is cowering behind a dumpster. Schwoo. The shot Friend moans like a zombie. The remaining Friends cry out that there are zombies everywhere (yay! Zombies!) and they want their sniper on the roof to hurry up so they can take off. The sniper jumps but impales his leg on a fence, sort of like in the Virgin Suicides. The Friends leave the sniper behind and tear off into the night.
All those gunshots attracted a swarm of zombies, who devour the shot Friend and go after the other alive people. Rick wants to save the impaled sniper but Hershel says they’ll have to amputate his leg. Hold up. This guy was just on a roof shooting at you, and you shot three of his friends, and suddenly it is imperative to save this particular dude? The dude does not want them to cut off his leg. But there are oh-so-many zombies and Rick finally yanks the guy off the fence.
Sniper dude’s name is Randall and he is played by an actor named Michael Zegen who grew up down the street from me. GOOD JOB, MIKE ZEGEN! I hope you survive for a few more episodes! Because we went to Hebrew School together!
Shane drives up behind Lori and demands to know what happened. She explains that she looked down at a map and hit a walker. Shane tells her they don’t need a map (duh! There is just one road!) and then lies to her that Rick and the others are safe and sound back at the farmhouse so she’ll go home with him. When they return to the farmhouse, Lori realizes that Rick and crew aren’t there. You liar, Shane! You low down dirty liar! Shane justifies his lie by saying that he needs to keep Lori safe because of the baby. Record scratch noise! Carl the Kid is like “Zug, a baby?” Lori and Rick never gave Carl the birds and the bees talk, and I guess they didn’t have time to grab “Where Did I Come From” when they fled.
Shane demands to speak to Lori all alone, and she accuses him of nonstop lying. She even brings up the Otis situation and Shane reveals that Otis died because Shane loves Lori and Carl so very much. Shane and Lori, sitting in a tree! Lori reveals that she told Rick all about her fling with Shane and that she admitted it was a mistake. Shane is dumbfounded. He insists that what they had together was real. “Just think about what you felt,” he urges. (I think that is a euphemism for “thundering orgasms.”)
Dawn breaks at the farm. Beth is dehydrated and still in shock so Mrs. Otis will set up an IV. Maggie tells Andrea about the time Beth found her birth control pills and freaked out and threw them into a pond, and Maggie’s horse reared up and they all ended up covered in mud. Good times, back in the day! And clearly, essential plot development for the series we are currently watching!
Uncle Dale warns Andrea that Shane is dangerous. He thinks that Shane is thrilled that Rick and Hershel are gone because now he’s the King of the Zombie Farm. Andrea insists that that Shane has done more to protect the Still Alives than anyone else. She is about to join the search party when Rick and Hershel and Glenn’s truck appears down the road.
All the Still Alives rush out to greet them and Hershel asks Mrs. Otis to prepare the shed for surgery. Is one of our heroes hurt? No! It’s that sniper Randall! Hershel’s plan is to repair his calf muscle and then give him a canteen and send him on his way. Since he was blindfolded, he won’t know where the farm is and therefore he won’t be able to tell the Friends where the Still Alives live. They often tried this sort of thing on Lost and that never worked out for anyone, but I guess the zombpocalypse hit before the final series of Lost aired in Atlanta.
Hershel takes Beth’s pulse and wants to know if she’s eaten anything. No, Horse Doc, she has been in shock since you left. Maggie freaks out at Hershel for drinking the devil booze and Hershel shoots back that booze is the least of their worries. Please start home brewing in the kitchen, because all you would be much more entertaining if you just got really shit-faced and danced around the living room.
Andrea and Shane, the odd-men-out, discuss Randall. If he leaves the farm and finds his Friends, there will be a human war. That means two wars: humans vs. zombies and humans vs. humans and we all know how well it goes when you’re fighting two wars at the same time. The two outsiders confirm that they’re the only people who foresee the shit about to hit the fan and Shane mutters that he should have left with Andrea when he had the chance. Or you guys could just go get jiggy in your car again – that seemed to cheer you up the last time.
In the Grimes tent, Rick and Lori help each other take their shirts off because both of them are sore and stiff (that’s what she said). Lori wants to have a serious talk. “We need to talk about Shane,” she says. “He thinks the baby is his. No matter what, it’s yours.” Lori comes up behind Rick and whispers in his hear, all Lady Macbeth style, about how Shane is dangerous and he killed Otis and he thinks that he is destined to be with Lori and Carl. Rick’s eyes go cold and glassy. And then we hear Bear McCreary’s ominous music. Until next week, Zombie lovers!
Humans: 1 dead Friend of Dave and Tony.
Zombies: 2 dead Zombies at the car wreck, at least 6 or 7 dead zombies at Ye Olde Towne Bar.
LAST EPISODE: Bro-Downs and Corpse Fires