It’s time for another installment of the Rolling Stone “Everything Index,” our weekly guide to pop-culture’s rule breakers, deal makers, movers and shakers.
Using advanced algorithms and a few coin flips, we’ve determined the Top 20 moments, memes and music that will define the next seven days. That means Game of Thrones, melting ice sheets, TV three-ways and alcohol … plenty of alcohol. Here’s our fearless forecast of the week ahead. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’ve got to hide from Solange.
1. “A Trial By Combat:” Tyrion Lannister steals a page out of the RS conflict-management handbook on Sunday’s Game of Thrones. If you really want that stapler, you better be prepared to die for it.
3. Louie: If you didn’t know who Sarah Baker was before Monday’s episode, you certainly do now. In its fourth season, C.K.’s series continues to amaze in unexpected ways. Last Week: #5
4. The Black Keys’ Turn Blue: Swampy, stony new LP from the Keys splits the difference between their primal past and poppy present. Totally makes Patrick Carney’s Instagram shenanigans worth it.
5. Michael Sam: Makes history as first openly gay player drafted in NFL, briefly saves us from ESPN’s round-the-clock coverage of Johnny Manziel. Even Pat Robertson likes him for that.
7. Ménage à Don: The Drapers spice up Mad Men with a California three-way. Still not as sexy as Ginsberg slicing off his nipple, but maybe that’s just us.
8. Shovels: So hot right now. The weapon of choice for lawn-brawling teens everywhere.
9. Your Favorite TV Show Getting Canceled: Now you’ll have to spend more time talking to your stupid boyfriend. Even worse, you’ll never find out what happened on Mixology.
10. Mariah Carey’s Batshit New Album: Now with divorce rumors! The year’s most anticipated release is also the gift that keeps on giving. Last Week: #1
11. The West Antarctic Ice Sheet: Massive frozen field has begun to melt, potentially dooming us all. What did we ever do to it?
13. Kitty Cohen: Badass 101-year-old throws out amazing first pitch at Blue Jays game, automatically contributes more than Josh Johson did all of last season.
14. Donald Sterling’s Mea Culpa: Disgraced Clippers owner throws Magic Johnson under the bus during “apology” interview. Soon after, three members of his public-relations team walk into actual traffic. Last Week: #16
15. Going on Vacation For a Week: If you want to know about the pop-culture happenings in the Virgin Islands, let us know.
16. The Weather Channel’s Twitter Account: Our go-to source for storm warnings, tornado watches and poorly considered jabs at anti-bullying activists. All our iPhone does is insult us with its battery life.
17. American Craft Beer Week: Our nation’s seven-day celebration of quality brews began Monday. So when we got drunk at lunch yesterday, were we just being patriotic?
18. Neil Young and Jack White: Dynamic duo team up, make record during Tonight Show appearance. All Jay Leno ever made on the show was a shit-ton of money.
19. The Slow Death of American Idol: Ratings for long-running singing show hit an all-time low. Brian Dunkleman wisely avoided this moment by bailing 12 years ago.
20. Blended: Like, who thought this would be a good idea?