Welcome back to Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our weekly ranking of pop-culture’s movers and shakers.
This time out, the Top 20 features fictional dinosaurs, ultra-addictive apps and high-profile feuds, one of which involves famous rappers and melted cheese. We’ve also got fake Daft Punk, real Leonardo DiCaprio and the resurrected Afghan Whigs – all ranked using a highly scientific process that we can’t get into here. Oh, and once again, we remain a proudly Kardashian-free Kountdown.
Here’s everything we’re obsessed with this week; the music, movies, memes (and more) that will fascinate us until next Tuesday. Which, on the pop-culture barometer, basically makes them timeless.
1. Giorgio Moroder: Impossibly suave synth-pioneer gives Coldplay’s “Midnight” a shimmering, Italo-disco makeover, makes us wonder what today’s EDM artists will be doing when they’re 73. Actually, we probably don’t want to know.
2. 2048: Addictive app currently ruining our lives. Part tile game, part refresher course in elementary arithmetic, entirely capable of destroying relationships, it makes math interesting for the first time since … ever?
3. The Drake/Jay Z “Fondue” Feud: Raptors’ “Global Ambassador” Drake accuses former Nets’ owner Jay of “eating a fondue plate” while the two teams battle in the NBA playoffs. First art, now this – soon they’ll both be voting Republican.
4. The Loch Ness Monster: Long-dormant Scottish lake-dweller supposedly found via Apple Maps, though we have our doubts – after all, no one’s ever found anything using Apple Maps.
5. Daenerys Targaryen: Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Unapproachable Paragon of Teenage Fantasies.
6. Real Leonardo DiCaprio Fake-Fighting at Coachella: First, it was an impromptu dance party, now, we’ve got video of Leo wrestling with pals down in the desert. Can we just keep him at Coachella permanently?
7. Fake Daft Punk Really Playing at Coachella: Dynamic duo (supposedly) performed with Arcade Fire on Sunday night, though it was probably just two dudes in masks. Then again, aren’t the real Daft Punk just two dudes in masks?
8. The Afghan Whigs’ Do to the Beast: The Whigs’ first album in 16 years is less about R&B’s “Oh, girl” romance as it is grimy alley sex. Greg Dulli joyfully sounds like his album preparation was smoking two packs a day, while the group ratchets up the guitars for maximum scuzz. Highest possible recommendation.
9. Our Future Primate Overlords: Bonobo builds fire, toasts marshmallows on BBC show. Before the great apes take over the planet, let the record state that we always knew the difference between a bonobo and a common chimpanzee.
10. Powdered Alcohol: Feds approve alcohol-infused dust for sale in stores. Finally, we can get drunk at breakfast!
11. Swaggy P: Showboating Los Angeles Lakers’ guard – real name Nick Young – is dating Iggy Azalea. Between that, his ultra-swaggy (and self-referential) robbery and last week’s 360-layup, P’s 2013-14 highlight reel is now complete.
13. The Hateful Eight Table Read: “Laced with profanity and vomit.” In other words, just another dinner party at Quentin’s.
14. The Washington Wizards: Eternal NBA bottom-dwellers take tentative steps back to relevance with first playoff win since 2008. If they beat the Bulls, can they change their name back to the Bullets?
15. The Game Boy Turns 25: Nintendo’s game-changing portable player is now old enough to rent a car. Somehow makes us nostalgic for the days when all graphics came in the color of creamed spinach.
16. The finale of Lindsay: We stopped paying attention midway through Lohan’s rather bland docu-series … did anything hap – Oh God!
17. Lonely Don Draper: Mercurial ad-man now drowning his sorrows in boxes of Ritz crackers. It’s called progress, people.
18. Humping Bunnies: Local newscast’s Easter stunt goes awry when a pair of rabbits begin doing the business on air. Then again, what did you expect them to do? The weather?
19. Johnny Manziel: Former Heisman winner and future first-round NFL draft pick proves he’s better than you once again, catching a pass on a Jet Ski while babes look on. He’s like Charlie Sheen with better pocket presence.
20. Peeps: Still terrible.