Welcome back to the Rolling Stone “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players, based solely on their proximity to unlimited breadsticks.
Yes, there’s plenty happening in the pop-o-sphere this week – the NFL is falling apart, Scotland is voting for independence, Rihanna is pissed and the Olive Garden is under assault. Luckily, we’re here with our advanced algorithms to put them all in proper order. Let’s get Indexing.
1. The Wrath of Rihanna: CBS feels the fury of Rihanna’s Navy after it pulls “Run This Town” from Thursday Night Football. We can’t possibly see a problem here.
2. Olive Garden’s Breadstick Policy: Undaunted by hedge fund’s takeover-inspired takedown of its endless-sticks strategy, Olive Garden declares that unlimited breadsticks convey “Italian generosity.” They’ll make your arteries an offer they can’t refuse.
3. SNL‘s Bro-Tastic New Hire: Pete Davidson joins the cast of NBC’s long-running sketch show. We can’t wait for his updated takes on classics like “Picking Up Girls at the Free Clinic” and “How to Tell if a Hot Girl on Instagram is Actually Hot in Person.”
4. Scottish Independence: Scots head to the polls Thursday to decide if nation will leave United Kingdom after more than 300 years. We’re going to plead American ignorance here, and assume this would be like, what, North Dakota seceding from South Dakota or something?
5. Miss America: Kira Kazantsev wins it all with one plastic cup and a fairly liberal reimagining of Pharrell’s “Happy.” How she beat Miss Ohio’s ventriloquist act is beyond us. It’s 2014, BTW.
7. Urban Outfitters: Retailer reaches new low, tries to pass off blood-spattered Kent State sweatshirt as part of their “sun-faded vintage collection.” They should stick to what they do best: ripping off designers.
8. Surge Soda: The granddaddy of sugar-packed colas is back after a 12-year hiatus, and it’s looking to recapture the throne, give you diabetes.
9. The NFL: Adrian Peterson is returning, Roger Goodell is reeling, Ray Rice is appealing and the former head of the FBI is handling an independent investigation. Other that that, things are going great!
10. Leonardo DiCaprio, U.N. Ambassador: If his dedication to that goatee can match his commitment to peace, we’re all going to be living in a better world.
11. The Mockingjay – Part I Trailer: Katniss fights back against her celebrity, claims she “never wanted any of this.” Did she have nude pics leaked too?
12. Law & Order SVU: NBC’s all-time great procedural premiered 15 years ago this week. We miss Stabler, Cragen and Munch, but after 340 episodes, Olivia Benson is still the baddest cop in the business [cue the L&O sound].
13. Kanye West’s Chevron Haircut: West debuts new ‘cut, complete with geographic patters that resemble the Chevron logo. It works; after all, Kanye seems likely to be engaged in a $9 billion lawsuit with Ecuadorean villagers at some point, too.
14. The Michael Winslow Comeback: Police Academy‘s human soundboard returns with cameo on new Run The Jewels track. If only Commandant Lassard could see him now.
16. Death Cab For Cutie’s “Marching Bands of Manhattan:” Plans standout is the last song band played at Chris Walla’s final show. Now it’s also the soundtrack to our rapidly fading youth. Damn you, DCFC.
17. iPhone 6: Regretting your decision to wait in line for one yet?
18. Eva Mendes and Ryan Gossling are Parents: Photogenic couple welcome first daughter, tee up the easiest lede in existence.
19. Happy Birthday, Nick Jonas: Rapidly swelling former Jo-Bro turns 22 today. That’s, like, 56 in teen-idol years.
20. The Avalanches’ Since I Left You: Why not?