Welcome to the Rolling Stone Everything Index, the week’s pop-culture power rankings.
After turning the reins over to Father John Misty last week, we’re back with a brand-new Top 20, one that includes boobs, break-ins, a bunch of Brits and one banana. As always, we’ve relied on a complex set of algorithms and our own keen pop-culture sensibilities to build the list, but, c’mon … you knew Rihanna’s diamond-encrusted nipples were gonna come out on top.
Here’s our list of the pop-culture power players that will surely dominate the next seven days.
1. “Rihanna’s Glittery Nipples:” Rih Rih’s nearly nude red carpet outfit steals the show at Monday night’s Council of Fashion Designers of America awards, much to the delight of the three pubsecent boys inexplicably in attendance.
2. Star Wars Casting: Lupita Nyong’o, Gwendoline Christie join Episode VII. Somewhere on Naboo, a despondent Jar Jar Binks continues to wait for his phone to ring.
5. Game of Thrones: Ouch.
6. Donald Sterling, Just Trolling Everyone: Disgraced Clippers owner attends Sunday service at predominantly black church. No word on whether he’d allow any of the congregation to actually attend Clippers games.
7. Charli XCX: Bad-ass Brit serves notice with feature on Iggy Azalea’s “Fancy,” swoony solo track “Boom Clap.” We’re not sure if they have summer in England, but if they do, she’s gonna rule it.
8. Patton Oswalt’s Social-Media Sabbatical: Comedian quits Twitter and Facebook, citing a case of “the Spurts.” We had that once too, dude, just take some Penicillin.
9. Chris Brown is Free: Better learn to cover up!
11. Your Parents Visiting NYC: The reason they made the High Line.
13. Reading Rainbow: LeVar Burton raises more than $3 million to bring beloved children’s show to underprivileged school kids. We don’t have a joke here.
14. The Stanley Cup Final: It’s Los Angeles versus New York for Lord Stanley’s Cup. Regardless of who wins, you can bet someone will be filling it with an artisanal cocktail.
15. Miley’s Home Break-in: Burglars scale fence at Cyrus’ home, make off with jewelry and her Maserati. Thankfully they didn’t take her sense of decency.
16. Jaden Smith: Will and Jada’s weirdo son wore all-white Batman suit to KimYe’s wedding. Who let him out of Arkham Asylum?
17. Louis C.K.’s New Cottage: Sad-sack genius snaps up $2.4 million home. Fans who dislike the new season of Louie will be happy to learn it does not have an elevator.
18. Prince at the French Open: The Purple One dazzles at Roland Garros in a turtleneck, frock and scepter. All Roger Federer wore was his sense of superiority.
19. Bill de Blasio’s Park Slope Giveaway: NYC mayor moves out of Brooklyn, leaves Christmas tree stand, bookshelf on the curb. Like every other Park Slope resident, he kept the $4,000 stroller.
20. One Direction Attacked by Banana: How will FIFA respond?