Welcome back to Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture movers and shakers, whether they want us to or not.
Using a top-secret formula (which we’ll explain one of these days) and a high-powered computing system, we’ve created a comprehensive countdown of the music, movies and memes that will dominate discussions until next Tuesday … when we’ll presumably have moved on to something else. Pop culture is a fickle mistress indeed.
This week’s Top 20 features the return of several prominent players (no matter how hard we try, we just can’t seem to kill Peeps), and a host of new hopefuls all competing for the crown. It’s kind of like Game of Thrones, minus all the baby freezing. Here’s everything we’re obsessed with this week.
1. MNEK’s “Every Little Word:” 19-year-old Brit officially kicks off the Summer Jam Sweepstakes with this rubbery, ridiculous slab of retro R&B. Gives us BBD flashbacks in all the best ways, and not just because he’s rocking Ronnie’s hi-top fade.
2. Feds’ “Powdered Alcohol” Backtracking: Treasury Department says alcoholic dust was approved for sale “in error.” If only there were another powdery substance we could turn to in our time of need.
3. Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” Video: Definitely not racist. Some of Avril’s best friends are Asian … she just uses them as props.
4. A Lost Reboot: Does that mean the finale will be twice as shitty?
5. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: New HBO series puts Daily Show standout Oliver front and center. After the weekly carnage on Game of Thrones, it’s nice to see someone with a British accent excel in a field other than beheading.
7. Mama Joyce on the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion: 2 Blessed 2 Be Stressed, 2 Bedazzled 2 Embezzle.
8. KimYe Eloping: TMZ reports world’s most-famous couple will tie the knot “in secret” ahead of next month’s multi-million dollar wedding. Witnesses will be the entire Keeping Up with the Kardashians production crew.
9. Naked and Afraid: Discovery’s survival show called “soft porn” by conservative group. It’s the fear that really gets us off.
10. Racism: Between Cliven Bundy, Donald Sterling and the banana-tossing Spanish soccer fan, it’s been a banner week for ignorant assholes everywhere. We’re sure they’ll all agree this is Obama’s fault.
11. Attic Abasement: Rheumatic Rochester quartet’s new EP picks up the stray slack left behind by Pavement and the Silver Jews. We don’t even have to look at these guys to know they’ve got bad posture.
12. Adam Resnick’s Will Not Attend: Former Letterman writer’s memoir is an anti-social work of art. He’s spent his whole life trying to avoid interacting with people, which should make the book tour really interesting.
13. The iPhone ‘Gigantic’ Commercial: New Apple spot features crowd-sourced cover of classic Pixies song. Too bad actual Pixies didn’t do the same thing for Indie Cindy.
14. Denny’s New Social Media Manager: America’s repository for bored teens gets all YOLO SWAG with hip new tweets. Maybe Poochie didn’t die on the way back to his home planet …
15. The Peeps Movie: Truly awful Easter candy is getting the big-screen treatment. Story centers around “a wayward Peep who is misplaced and has to find his way back home.” Kill it before it breeds!
16. TripTank: Stoneriffic Comedy Central animated series packs the bowl with cameos from Bob Odenkirk and Zach Galifianakis, aims high like Liquid Television or Spike & Mike. Doesn’t always succeed, but is definitely the reason we’re late to work today.
17. The Indiana Pacers: Somehow more dysfunctional than the Los Angeles Clippers.
18. Outrage Over “Accidental Spoilers:” Game of Thrones community up in arms after HBO possibly reveals future events of George R.R. Martin’s series. Here’s another spoiler: If you are concerned about stuff like this, it’s probably time to re-evaluate your life.
19. Willie Nelson: The Red Headed Stranger celebrates 81st birthday by earning fifth-degree black belt in Korean martial-arts discipline. No word on whether he also burned the sacred herb.
20. Florida Dads: Still terrible.