It’s time for another installment of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players and desperately attempt to fill the gaping chasm in our souls.
We’ve crunched the numbers to come up with this week’s Top 20, a list that features a catfight between Nicki and Iggy, a Supreme Court decision with far-reaching implications and actors chasing homeless men around Times Square. Plus, killer storms and an attachment that allows you to have sex with your iPad…see, now you’ve got two reasons to never leave your apartment.
Here are our pop-culture power rankings for the week ahead.
2. Belgium: Standing in the way of the U.S. at the World Cup. Thanks for the Jan van Eyck and the Jean-Claude Van Damme, but today, you are our enemy.
4. The Fleshlight Launchpad: Sex toy pioneers finally make it possible to fuck your iPad. That’ll show Flappy Bird who’s boss.
5. Hobby Lobby: Supreme Court says Christian arts-and-crafts chain doesn’t have to abide by Affordable Care Act mandate to provide employees with emergency contraception. Guess they’ll just have to use crochet hooks now.
6. Shia LaBeouf Goes Nuts in Times Square: For the last time; no, he doesn’t like stand up comedy
8. Daniel Radcliffe Walking 12 Dogs While Smoking a Cigarette: Our spirit animal.
9. The Derecho: Wind storm pummels the Midwest, heads towards East Coast. Fine, we’ll learn Spanish!
10. Seinfeld turns 25: Pilot episode of seminal sitcom aired a quarter-century ago. We now feel as old as Jerry and the gang were on the show…which was, what, 37? 42?
11. Lowell’s “I Love You Money:” Canadian singer supercharges our summer with her saccharine single. Is it an anti-consumerist anthem or a pro-capitalist smash? Hey! Woo! Who cares!
12. Dolly Parton Playing “Yakety Sax:” Oddly self-referential, strangely comforting. Dolly contains multitudes.
13. The Skeleton Twins: New trailer for Kristen Wiig/Bill Hader dramedy leaves us feeling all the feelings. The routine to Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” alone is worth the price of admission.
14. The Civil Rights Act: Landmark legislation turns 50 tomorrow. Once upon a time, racism was a thing that existed in this country, kids.
16. Chromeo’s “Mallard Air” Video: Dynamic Duo film in-flight safety video for “start-up airline.” It’s probably a joke, but we’re too bored to find out.
17. Transformers Box Office: Did Michael Bay’s latest explogasm really make $100 million during its opening weekend? Does it make us any smarter if it didn’t?
18. July: In New York City, the air is fragrant with rotting garbage, vomit and cadaver asshole.
19. Beyoncé Tops Forbes List: Queen Bey reigns on the Celebrity 100. At this point, there’s only one frontier left for her to conquer: Knowles/Clinton 2016!
20. Earth to Echo: We liked its working title better: Not E.T.