Welcome back to Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our weekly ranking of pop culture’s power players.
This week, our charts are flush with national pride, following the United States’ big win at the World Cup. But once again, our advanced algorithms also recognized the power of nearly naked celebs and finales of navel-gazing TV shows, both of which are well represented this week. Plus, a whole lot of baseball for some reason. Hey, you can’t argue with science.
Here’s our pop-culture power rankings for the week ahead.
2. “‘Cause My Life is Dope, and I Do Dope Shit:” Kanye West’s mantra, as revealed by Dave Chappelle. We miss old, crazy Kanye … new Kanye just does angry shit.
3. The Fourth Season of Louie: Regularly brilliant, occasionally revelatory, slightly self-gratifying, oft-frustrating. Oh, and not funny. Louis C.K. went for broke on the just-completed fourth season of his show, and while opinions may vary on its quality, perhaps we can all agree on one thing: Manic Pixie Dream Girl overload.
5. X-Men: Apocalypse Set in 1983: Finally, an era where Gambit’s hairstyle makes sense!
7. One Direction Fan Fiction: “Author” signs six-figure publishing deal after her Harry Styles fan fic garners more than 800 million reads online. Meanwhile, our steamy Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young tome goes unappreciated.
9. Starbucks Offers Employees Free Tuition: Coffeemonger partners with Arizona State University to give workers access to online education. Hey, with a degree from ASU, you’ll be churning out half-caff lattes in no time!
11. The Los Angeles Kings’ Stanley Cup Parade: Sun’s out, guns out.
12. Harrison Ford injured on Star Wars Set: Han Solo breaks his ankle during filming of Episode VII. Lets hope his insurance covers emergency room visits on Tatooine.
13. First Aid Kit’s Stay Gold: Windswept harmonies as wide as the Heartland, strummy melodies that glisten like dew in a California canyon, songs about waitresses named Stacey, disappearing lovers and the lure of the open road, complete with Tennessee twang. Why, of course they’re Swedish.
14. This Cool Dead Woman: New Orleans mother greets mourners at her own funeral, chills with menthol cigarette and can of Busch beer. In lieu of flowers, family asks you send more cold ones.
15. George R.R. Martin Throws Out First Pitch: A Song of Ice and Fire creator pulls on his best suspenders, tosses first pitch at minor-league baseball game. The pitch took approximately 1,700 hours to reach home plate, killed off several main characters in the process.
16. Everybody Covers “Summer Nights:” Rufus Wainwright recruits David Byrne, Boy George, Josh Groban and Ezra Koenig to belt out Grease classic. They go together like rama lama lama ka dinga da dinga dong.
17. Miley Cyrus’ Instagram: Everyone loses their shit after Miley posts near-nude pics. Otherwise known as “Tuesday.”
18. Russians Toilet-Papering Our Embassy: Four detained in Moscow following wanton T.P. attack. Don’t laugh; in Russia, toilet paper is a luxury.
20. Gene Simmons Crushes the National Anthem: Dr. Love belts out the Anthem at a Dodgers game, with help from the USO. He wanted to perform Music from ‘the Elder,’ but L.A. fans have already suffered enough this season.