Welcome back to Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture movers and shakers, whether they want us to or not.
Using a top-secret formula (which we’ll explain one of these days) and a high-powered computing system, we’ve created a comprehensive countdown of the music, movies and memes that will dominate discussions until next Tuesday … when we’ll presumably have moved on to something else. Pop culture is a fickle mistress indeed.
Here’s everything we’re obsessed with this week.
1. Mariah Carey’s Batshit New Album: The trailer. The cameos by her three-year-old twins. The illustrated portrait. Honestly, the fact it’s called Me. I Am Mariah … The Elusive Chanteuse is only like the fifth craziest thing about it. The most-anticipated album of 2014, 15 and 16.
2. Your Cinco de Mayo Hangover: Hope the dolor de cabeza was worth it, Shawn.
3. Joel McHale at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner: From starring on Community to ribbing the Community Organizer-in-Chief: “It’s amazing that [Obama] can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said you’d close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay.”
4. Justin Bieber and Rob Ford’s Club Fight: Two of Canada’s national treasures supposedly exchanged words in a club earlier this year. Kind of like the epic Chris Brown/Drake bottle-throwing brawl of 2012, only translucently white and slowed by Type 2 diabetes.
5. The Return of Louie: He’s back. And sadder than ever.
6. The NFL Draft: First round begins Thursday. Will Johnny or Jadeveon go #1? Can Mel Kiper Jr.’s mane be tamed? And how many Jammin’ Jalapeno Boneless Buffalo Wings can we fit in our mouth at once?
7. The Palo Alto Cast: No one scuzzes it up like rich white kids.
8. Jameis Winston, Crab-Leg Thief: Heisman winner turns to life of crime to satisfy insatiable crustacean cravings. Apparently he didn’t realize FSU stands for “Free Shrimp University.”
9. Amy Schumer’s and Gabourey Sidibe’s inspiring Ms. Gala speeches: Someone put these two in charge. Of everything.
10. Miley Cyrus Gets Crude: Pop provocateur goes for shock-and-awe once again, slathering herself in oil and getting all S&M-lite in new video. Sadly, short of a speculum cam, nothing’s gonna shock us at this point.
11. Cambridge Paving Stones: Nation’s leading (only?) manufacturer of “high-quality concrete pavers” carpet-bombs the NBA playoffs with ubiquitous commercial. Our annoyance is coated in ArmorTec.
12. Michael Jackson’s “Love Never Felt So Good:” Fantasic new single off MJ’s posthumous Xscape album is technically from 1983, yet fits perfectly alongside 2014’s Pharrell-heavy pop. Who says we haven’t made progress?
13. Riff Raff, Animal Lover: The rap game .GIF dyes his dog blue, draws the ire of PETA. Of course, it all might be an elaborate hoax … kind of like Riff’s career.
15. The Friends Finale Turns 10: Central Perk, Allesandro’s, David Schwimmer now just Chase Banks.
16. Donald Sterling on Seinfeld: Disgraced Clippers owner berates George Costanza for “associating with black people” in amazing Adult Swim dub. No word on his feelings about Snoopy and Prickly Pete.
17. ‘The Grand Budapest Hotel’ Cruise: Because you have not experienced the glory of Wes Anderson’s vision until you have experienced it out at sea. Ahoy, whities!
18. The Horrors’ Luminous: New album from shape-shifting Brits finds them still shoegazing, but inching towards the dance floor. Like 2012’s Skying, it’s a wide-screen affair, but nods to Madchester point it in a decidedly darker direction. Take drugs, kids.
19. Quartzazium: Black Keys’ drummer Patrick Carney prank-calls his label as Quartzazium, “a New Age artist from Rhode Island,” attempts to score a record deal. Call him rock’s Sol Rosenberg. After all, he’s already got the glasses and the shoes.
20. Kim and Kelley Deal Cover “Gigantic:” Shots fired.