Welcome to the Rolling Stone Everything Index, where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players…whether they like it or not.
Right off the bat: Yes, we realize this week’s Index is a day late (and only half as long as usual), but we’re hoping you’ll forgive us – Grumpy Cat was in the office. Anyway, we don’t think we’ll get any complaints from “Weird Al” fans; after all, their hero sits atop our list. Yankovic managed to outgun perennial powerhouse Rihanna for the #1 spot…no small feat considering everything she’s accomplished this week.
Since we’re already late, let’s get to our abridged version of the Everything Index. We’ll be back at full-strength next week, we promise. Unless Lil Bub decides to pay us a visit.
2. Rihanna: Partying with Germans. Supporting Palestine. Smoking all the pot. At this point, she’s basically one Eurail Pass away from being the girl you tried to hook up with at that hostel in Amsterdam.
4. Kacy Catanzaro: Former gymnast crushes the course on American Ninja Warrior. Meanwhile, we’re still attempting to master the art of eating Cheetos with chopsticks.
5. Adele’s 25: Queen of Pain’s new album supposedly coming out this year. That’s barely enough time to meet someone, fall in love, then be heinously wronged.
6. Charlie Sheen: Tiger-blood guzzling meme machine returns to prominence with drunken performance in a Taco Bell drive-thru. “Sorry I’m so fuckin’ hammered,” he tells a fan. No need to apologize, dude.
7. Bleachers’ Strange Desire: Debut album from Jack Antonoff’s new band provides the soundtrack to our slo-mo, Spandau Ballet dreams. Always with the Capezios!
8. Michael Jeter: Late character actor gets inadvertent shout-out on CBS News’ Twitter feed during MLB All-Star Game. Sure, they meant Derek, but Michael’s always had better range.
9. SNL‘s Exodus: Sketch show sheds several bit players. Great, now where will we get our fill of John Milhiser?!?
10. Sex Tape: God-awful Cameron Diaz/Jason Segel “comedy” limps into theaters on Friday, will be forgotten about by Monday. At least until Award season.