Welcome to Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our ranking of the week’s pop-culture power players.
After crunching the numbers and checking the pulse of America (bad news, we’ve got high blood pressure), it turns out you’re all really excited about Marvel’s Guardians of the Galaxy…so much so that it was a runaway choice for this week’s #1. But we’ve also got naked members of One Direction, dancing NFL quarterbacks and drunken Massholes. You know, something for everybody.
Here are our power rankings for the week:
1. Guardians of the Galaxy: Marvel’s next great film franchise blasts into theaters on Friday. The good news? There’s already a sequel in the works. The bad news? It’s called Caddyshack II.
3. Rihanna, Homewrecker: Ever-reliable UK tabloid the Mirror claims Ri-Ri was behind the infamous Jay/Solange elevator fight. We have our doubts; when would Rihanna find time for a fling in her busy “rooting for every team at the World Cup” schedule?
4. Jack White’s First Pitch: Native son returns to Detroit to toss first pitch at Tuesday night’s Tigers game. Said pitch will be a limited-edition, triple-decker curveball with commemorative Jim Leyland hologram hidden in the stitching.
5. Comic-Con Withdrawal: What do you mean our steampunk Iron Man costume isn’t workplace appropriate?!?
6. The Bachelorette Finale: Andi chose Josh, even though she “made love” to Nick. Then Grumpy Cat showed up for no reason. Welcome to hell.
7. Beck: He’s finally releasing Song Reader as an actual album, jamming with Jack White on “Loser,” debuting music videos and doing Colbert. Are we in the midst of a Beck-naissance? (a Stereopathetic Soulmanure-turn to form?)
8. Dancing Peyton Manning: The NFL’s dorky dad boogies at Broncos training camp. Eli did the same thing, but somehow threw five picks in the process.
9. Sharknado 2: Sequel to super-ridiculous Syfy hit premieres Wednesday night, features cameos from Mark McGrath, Billy Ray Cyrus and Jared the Subway Guy. We’d roll our eyes, but then we’d just be like the killing machines of the deep.
10. Lady Gaga and Tony Bennett’s “Anything Goes:” Mother Monster teams with Tony, re-discovers her lane on Cole Porter classic. Let’s all just pretend ARTPOP never happened, OK?
11. Sarah Palin’s Online Channel: Former V.P. candidate and endless source of schadenfreude is launching a subscription-based site. But will her supporters be able to watch it on dial-up?
13. Hanging out with “Weird Al:” Recommended. How often do you get to use the phrase “Hawaiian Shirt room?”
14. Lily Allen in Handcuffs: Australian officers in deep trouble after cuffing Allen for staged photo-op. Remember, if you’re going to flush your career down the toilet Down Under, the water goes counter-clockwise.
15. Geddy Lee, Birthday Boy: Rush’s lead singer turns 61 today. To celebrate, we planned on learning “La Villa Strangiato,” but, dude, that song is hard.
16. Lollapalooza: Long-sailing flagship of Alternative Nation begins annual voyage this weekend. We can’t wait to catch the Jim Rose Circus on the sidestage!
17. The Real Housewives of New York City Reunion: Will Ramona deck Andy? Can Aviva keep her leg on? How come the Countess gets to be on the show? And why are we so alone?
18. Keith Urban Concerts: Dozens of fans treated for “alcohol-related ailments” at Urban’s Massachusetts concert. Cut Red Sox fans some slack, it’s been a long season.
19. Leah Michele on Sons of Anarchy: Eternally “ON” Glee star lands role on FX’s brutal biker drama. Will she be singing? Is there any doubt?
20. A Hipster on a Leash Being Walked by a Man on a Segway: Fuck you, Williamsburg.