Last night’s episode of Snooki & JWoww was a portrait of hope, love and the ability to forgive your boyfriend for posing for a photo with another woman. We should all be so brave. The way Snooki and Jionni were able to move past the betrayal of him allowing a strange woman put her hand on his arm is truly inspiring. Of course, there are certain mortal wounds that no relationship can survive. Wounds like when your boyfriend refuses to blow off his plans after you decide to come home from Cancún early. Will JWoww ever stop mourning/fiddling with her electric cigarette? The heart, she truly is a lonely hunter.
Just to be clear: Those were the problems that set off Snooki and JWoww’s respective soul-rending relationship discussions, which makes both disagreements candidates for the Stupidest Fight of All Time. Snooki, at least, is dealing with the surge of pregnancy hormones, so her sensitivity is fathomable. “I don’t want to be engaged to someone who’s taking pictures with random girls,” she weeps over the phone to Jionni, and the fact she has to argue with her fiancé over the phone rather than in person is doubtless part of the problem. “If he cheated, me and my baby are going away,” Snooki vows, conveniently ignoring the fact that it was she who cheated on Jionni with Vinny. Oh, and Jionni didn’t cheat on her; he just posed for a photograph with another woman. On a semi-related note, I love the recent cutaways that give us a sneak peek into what the ladies are absent-mindedly doodling. Last week JWoww scrawled, “I’ll kill someone.” This week, Snooki wrote her name. Just her full name. “I want to crawl in a ball and die. Well, not die. Sleep forever,” Snooki sighs. Well, sure, but you don’t have to take it out on the people you love! Oh, because of the fight you mean. Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you.
While Snooki floods a minor disagreement with the dark waters of her larger life fears, JWoww seems to genuinely loathe being in a relationship with Roger. Were these two ever happy? “I’d rather have my jaw smashed into a thousand pieces,” JWoww screams on the phone, in response to Roger’s suggestion that she date her monster ex Tom. “The only thing you’re winning at is losing me,” she warns, prompting Roger to drive to Jersey City to hash things out face-to-face. Both of them dance around the possibility of shutting it down, but neither is able to do it. “I only had one issue with you: you are a fucker,” JWoww declares, before immediately backing down. “I’m sorry if I can’t make a decision in Jersey City,” she cries. “I’m not going to beat this horse anymore. This sucker’s dead,” Roger declares, then puts JWoww in control: “Be single. Pull the trigger.” Meanwhile, in the other room Snooki cowers with a painfully full bladder, dreading the awkward walk through the living room. We’ve all been Snooki before. We were all Snooki in that moment.
While their fight was horrible and unproductive, we did get to find out how old Roger is, so it wasn’t a complete bust. It also seems that being 36 is part of the reason Roger is more than willing to beat a dead horse. He’s ready to beat that sucker for the rest of his life! Now that I think about it, last night was probably the first time I’ve seen a male TV personality (or fictional character) speaking openly about his fear of dying alone. “I don’t want to be an old hermit that lives alone,” Roger muses, growing teary-eyed. “I feel like I have a lot of good in me to pass on.” But how will you be able to pass it on when you and JWoww never have sex, Roger? How?
Eventually Snooki is able to look deep within herself and realize that her rage and fear about Jionni taking a photo with another girl was actually her rage and fear of being abandoned, as well as the terrifying vow of forever and the fast-approaching moment where she will become a parent whether or not she has a co-parent by her side. I get why Snooks is a little touchy, is what I’m saying. Then there’s JWoww: “I can let it go, but it doesn’t mean I can be happy,” she tells Roger.
There you have it. What else is there to say? Roger playfully shoves her off thecouch, and their problems sink below the surface for one more day. Snooki apologizes for her hot-headedness, and the four head back to Powerhouse for some pickle juice shots. At least there’s the passionate make-up sex Roger and JWoww won’t be having all night. If there’s one thing that consistently shocks me about this show, it’s how casual JWoww and Roger are about their complete lack of a sex life. JWoww playfully holds up a zero when asked the likelihood of her sleeping with Roger that night. “I’d have an easier time of negotiating a gay deal in the bathroom with you,” Roger laughs to Jionni, a man 10 years his junior with a fiancé and a child on the way.
I sympathize with Roger the most, maybe. I can’t help but imagine the sad scene of him tugging on JWoww’s pajamas in the dark, her hands slapping him away like he’s already a desiccated old hermit, frantically fumbling for love.
Last week: The Most Insecure Person in the World