After weeks of bickering, it’s nice to be reminded why Snooki and JWoww make such a winning team to begin with. Last night’s episode opened on Snooki’s nightmare slog through their vacation in Cancun, an endless barrage of sun and room service and colorful sarongs that only served to remind Snooki of her utter loneliness. “She just doesn’t get it at all,” Snooki wept to her father on the phone as JWoww readied herself to go out. “Tonight she told me to be considerate.” I would be remiss if I didn’t marvel yet again at how totally normal Snooki’s dad seems to be. “It’s just a part of life,” her pop sighs. To which Snooki replies with a sob, “You don’t understand at all. I’m engaged and pregnant.” Yeah, Dad, you have no idea what it’s like to be getting married and expecting ababy, YOU BUTTFACE.
Meanwhile JWoww, Ryder and Yanice hit the club where Ryder grinds her phantom wiener into a stranger’s butt and the trio luxuriates in the freedom permitted them by their empty wombs and ringless fingers. Back at their five-star hotel, Snook mourns the loss of her youth as tears of . . . you know what, JUST DEAL WITH IT ALREADY. COME ON. I’m sure when I’m isolated from my friends and family during my reality show pregnancy, I’ll look back with regret at the disdain I feel in this recap. But for God’s sake, woman, build yourself a boat out of leopard print duct tape, put one of the Gay Joeys in a captain’s cap and get over it.
As weave-tearingly annoying as Snooki was during their vacay, she immediately transitions back into a real friend when JWoww gets into yet another fight with Roger over . . . God, nothing? It’s always nothing. It seems pretty clear that JWoww keeps pushing Roger to reject her. When he does, it just confirms her underlying sense of self-loathing. Rinse and repeat. JWoww’s phone call to Roger in the hotel is a prime example. Having decided to come home early, she is somehow shocked and betrayed that Roger won’t cancel his plans with Jionni to hang out. “In my eyes, Roger is blowing me off right now,” she explains to us, people with independent eyes, eyes that cannot see the world as her red-rimmed peepers see it. “I’m not a victim. You are a piece of shit,” JWoww howls as Ryder awkwardly folds her underwear into suitcase.
It’s at these moments of highest delusion that friends like Snooki are the most vital, at least until they go crazy too. Once back in the States, both Snooki and JWoww are peeved to discover that their boyfriends are visiting Hemingway’s, an establishment they discuss as though it were a known whore-den, a sex pit where brazen harlots lie in wait to suck the spray tan off the dangly bits of decent men. JWoww calls Roger to make amends. LOL, I’m kidding, but she does call him. “What do you mean, ‘yo’?” JWoww demands the millisecond Roger opens his mouth to speak. “I’m not calling to apologize, but I need to explain myself as a human being,” she warns him. Roger subsequently labels her “the most insecure person in the world,” and leverages his intimate knowledge of her flaws and failed relationships to hurt her as deeply as possible. What else would two people in love do? Have sex ever? “You should still be with Tom,” he sneers. As you might recall, Tom is JWoww’s ex. He left her dogs to die in their apartment when they broke up, necessitating a Snooki/ JWoww rescue mission. “I don’t like you, because I genuinely miss you and now I don’t anymore,” JWoww sobs.
Snooki does her best to console her with wise words and access to her newly hard belly. “Go for the . . . well, not the vagina. Above that,” she explains, prodding her abdomen. At 14 weeks Snooki’s fetus is apparently grimacing and peeing and responding to light. “What light? My vagina hole?” she gasps. “I’m sorry if you feel Daddy’s penis inside me every time we have sex,” Snooki tells her unborn. I’m not going to pretend I didn’t find that sort of touching.
To take JWoww’s mind off her dysfunctional relationship, Snooki accompanies her to a pasta-making class. “It looks exactly like an uncircumcised penis,” JWoww muses while handling a roll of dough. She then wordlessly pivots and smacks Snooki across the face with it, leaving a flour stamp over her eye and busting up her fake eyelashes. Snooki yelps with indignation. “Nicole all of a sudden has a problem with having a penis on her face,” JWoww grumbles. And just like that, their adult problems melt away into one beautiful moment of pure friendship and wiener talk.
Then they go home and immediately accuse Jionni and Roger of cheating on them. Exhibit A: both men can be seen “touching skin” with a strange woman at the aforementioned cathouse/local bar Hemingway’s. I don’t mean “ace to vagina” or “wiener to mouth” contact. No, I’m referring to a woman touching Jionni’s bare arm in a public place. Case closed, your honor! Snooki calls her fiancé and tries to suss out any information about his betrayal, but somehow he manages to keep from blurting out, “I had sex with all the ladies!” Snooki questions his commitment to their engagement, Jionni questions whether Snooki is ready to be a mom, Snooki weeps as she slams down the phone and everyone feels terrible all around. The only upside to all this feuding is the sneak peek we got at JWoww’s notebook, in which the only visible words read, “I’ll kill someone.” Of course it says that. The woman wears her heart on her sleeve.
Last week: Spring Breakdown in Cancun