Snooki and JWoww have so much fabric! Just drowning in fabric! Swimming in yards of leopard print and zebra and glittery pink and black! “You can’t make a vase out of fabric,” JWoww sniffs one morning. Seeing as how Snooki and her fetus sleep until roughly 4 p.m. every day (as the pregnant and unborn are wont to do), JWoww rolls out of the apartment to buy more furniture.
Just to be clear: they have furniture; they are just acquiring . . . more of it. She selects a bar set, a leopard-print ottoman and a gigantic leopard-print pump that is also a chair, thus explaining who else buys those things other than high school yearbook photographers. JWoww also picks up between 10 and 20 rolls of leopard and zebra duct tape, with which the girls will go on to commit unspeakable acts. Why such a rush to make such questionable decorating decisions? (I’m joking, of course. There is no rush. We are four weeks in and every episode has been in some way about decorating the apartment.) As it turns out, the roommates are coming over! Hurray! Oh, except the Situation. Never the Situation. “You couldn’t pay me enough to fucking do that,” Snooki declares. You mean again? Okaaaaaaaaaay! But seriously, what in God’s name are they planning to do with all that fabric? It’s like they own three-quarters of a yurt.
Time to call a handyman! “He sounds like a sexy black man,” JWoww squeals after hanging up with him. Sadly, he is instead a normal white guy named Anthony, who makes quick work of hanging yards and yards of fabric around the room in a bunting-type situation, as well as hanging fabric over the walls. Like you do. While he works, Snooki elicits from him “a sex story that went wrong,” and things take a dire turn. Anthony tells his tale, which begins with him, a lady and his friend, a friend who he makes sure to point out is a big guy like Anthony. That’s all we get to hear before the bleeping obscures his tale. At this point I started to panic, because so much of the story was bleeped out I was convinced we would never know what happened! “I want you to do something for me, ” the woman ominously told Anthony, followed by 20 seconds of bleeping. Luckily, while the girls’ faces contort in hilarious disgust to details unknown, Anthony reaches the climax of the story, and declares, “I said, let me go in the other room. This way I won’t have to smell it.” Okay, that’s really all I needed to know. I can fill in the blanks. “I just feel like he wants to take us away to his dungeon,” Snooki shudders when he leaves. His poop dungeon? It had to have been a poop story, right? And to think he put his grubby paws all over the fabric!
Once Anthony leaves, Snooki and JWoww cover the entire apartment in leopard and zebra print duct tape. The doors. The windows. The garbage can now has a duct tape ‘G’ on it for Garbage, so you don’t get confused and try to make soup in it. In their defense, the tape goes a long way toward creating the desired “Barbie Guidette dream house” effect, in as much as everything looks like it’s plastic and about to peel off the wall. If only it also made everyone’s genitals turn into smooth, hard plastic nubs.
The ladies also have an epic idea for what we in the interior design biz call “a focal point”: a giant mural of themselves to be painted by artist Nick on the wall of their living room. “I found Nick’s number at a department store,” JWoww explains. As always, it’s the little details that get me. For example, what does that even mean? Then, of course, all the fabric falls down off the walls. Anthony! Maybe stop telling poop stories for once and do a little work! The ladies rush to put them back up, so their roommates don’t have to deal with having their mouths and noses closed off with fabric while they’re visiting. A real hosting faux pas, I’d say.
Finally, cabs are here! Cabs are what I call friends! Pauly D is the first to arrive and rip on their apartment décor. “The style of this house is Art Deco. Just kidding!” he laughs. Aw, I missed him. He jokingly tests to see if Snooki can fit inside their garish new ottoman (she can), which is great because they always say it’s a good idea to have a piece of furniture that doubles as a casket. “Just take the ottoman! You don’t even need a coffin!” JWoww enthuses. “I know, but then bugs will get in and eat me,” Snooki muses. The other roommates stream in, except Mike, of course, who couldn’t make it because he was busy not being invited. Oh, and he might have been in rehab too. Either way, it’s really nice to see everyone. “It’s creepy but cute,” Ronnie says of the apartment. Pauly D and Vinny friend-flirt hardcore, scampering away to friend-smoosh on Snooki’s bed.
Sitting down to a delicious meal of green beans and garbage can soup (just kidding! They saw the G in time), Snooki finally drops one of her two bombs on the Jersey Shore mates: she’s engaged to Jionni. Their reactions to the news could only be described as devastating. “You think two years is long enough time?” Vinny wonders, later explaining that Jionni was initially Snooki’s one-night stand and therefore unworthy of love or commitment. They point out how difficult it will be for Snooki to have only one penis for the rest of her life. “I love his penis,” she explains.
“Did she buy it?” Pauly D cracks when Snooki shows off her ring. Yikes. I guess they’re all so used to Snooki being a drunken trainwreck joke they don’t remember she’s a human being with feelings. Or they’re all just terrible people. Both totally plausible explanations.
Ball-busting aside, they could at least have the decency to talk about her behind her back like normal people. Concludes Vinny, “You guys are going to be divorced soon anyway.” Ugh. It’s enough to make Snooki not want to tell them she’s pregnant. Too bad she already had the announcement printed on a cake in icing! Well then, it’s enough to make me want to crawl inside that leopard ottoman coffin and have them seal me up with zebra duct tape. Luckily next week’s promo has Roger saying, “I’ve had chlamydia four times,” so I have a reason to go on for a little while longer.
Last week: Behold the Child of Snooki