Tension is running high at the Polizzi-Woww household, and it looks like Snooki’s pregnancy hormones are to blame. Well, Snooki’s pregnancy hormones, combined with an artificial environment in which she is constantly followed by cameras, spends 90 percent of her time at one location and interacts with only one other person 23 hours a day. She is cranky, though! Fortunately it’s nothing a bunch of tiny, excited dogs can fix! I meant to type “can’t,” but upon review, I realized I was correct the first time!
The larger issue at hand seems to be the fact that Snooki doesn’t want to do anything. But can you really blame her? I’ve never been blessed with a child, but as someone with a vacant womb, if I had the opportunity to sleep until 11 a.m. every day and flop around in my sweatpants for hours, my God, I would take it.
“Snooki is playing the pregnancy card more than I thought she would be,” JWoww sighs. Of course she is! It’s the greatest card to play! “Oh no, I can’t cover the apartment with zebra print duct tape right now. I’m creating new life out of digested cheese curls.” Unfortunately, while I completely support and will defend to my death Snooki’s right to hibernate under a pile of animal print blankets for nine months, it doesn’t exactly make for compelling TV.
In fact, it makes for what feels like scene after scene of amateur improv: immediate arguing, no information added, each new idea shot down as soon as it leaves someone’s lips. “This was supposed to be our last hurray. She’s not hurraying!” JWoww explains as she tries to get her friend psyched to visit the club Powerhouse. It’s interesting to imagine what the pre-pregnancy plan was for the girls. Undoubtedly more debauched, but alas, it is never to be. Now, here on the far side of her huge life decisions, it’s all but impossible to drag Snooki anywhere. “I know you don’t want to go when you’re showing,” JWoww chides. Snooki glowers into the mirror, her face a mask of annoyance and rage under her gigantic bow.
Things are so tense, it’s a mercy that JWoww’s dogs just go to the bathroom all over the house. At least it’s something to talk about! (Note: if I have to [voluntarily] watch fresh poop fall out of either one of JWoww’s dogs’ butts one more time, I am going to seriously consider euthanizing myself.) JWoww takes her pups to K9dergarten, an adorable pet training center/day care that comes complete with its very own Gay Joey. “We all need a gay Joey,” the employees laugh. I smell a spin-off! It smells like hot dog mess!
“Bella’s a bitch and a diva and I really think she should change,” Snooki opines as JWoww’s jacket-wearing dogs are unleashed. Moved by her own education as a veterinary technician, Snooki decides to volunteer with the dogs. “I never really did anything with my schooling,” she reasons, while JWoww rolls her eyes. Cut to Snooki screaming as dachshunds and King Charles spaniels leap all over her. “Oh my God, it’s clawing my tits,” she gasps, batting away their tiny bodies. “It’s biting!” Gay Joey just looks on and laughs. In that moment, Gay Joey is all of us. How’s that for a title for the K9dergarden show? Terrible, right?
JWoww is similarly desperate to get out of the house, signing up for cooking classes at an artisanal bakery. “That’s going to go right to my ass,” she declares when instructed to mix up a chocolate ganache, before burping loudly. JWoww immediately befriends the affable, husky-voiced Ashley, commandeering her evening in order that she might act as a buffer during the planned excursion to Powerhouse. “Oh fun,” Snooki says when she finds out they’ll be joined by a third wheel. “Your new friend’s not picking us up?” she inquires when they decide to catch a cab. Those words sound reasonable, until you realize Snooki is uttering them from a face paralyzed with rage. Her face is smooth and expressionless in her attempt not to hurl one of JWoww’s incontinent dogs through a plate glass window.
“I don’t want to make Jenni my bitch, but . . . ” Snooki tells the camera. “I like to bust her balls.” Luckily Ashley is the perfect friend buffer, as is a man at the club who tries to buy the trio drinks. Look, I know I wasn’t there (and I also know that it’s probably very difficult to edit a narrative into a lot of these episodes), but this is the second time the girls have reacted as if the actions of an innocuous stranger were the height of perversity (Anthony the Handyman being the first). When said man offers to send over drinks, Snooki and JWoww react like he’s dipped his wiener in each of their beverages without asking. “I’m scared of creepy people,” Snooki frets. “I feel like he’s going to grab onto our bumper.” Luckily he doesn’t, and the show offers us the most realistic dénouement I can imagine for their relationship. “You’d stab him in the eye if you had to,” Snooki says in their confessional, smiling. “If I had to,” JWoww agrees, laughing. To friendship! To friendship and severe ocular wounds!
I wish this was the end of the episode, but then Roger calls up and starts acting the fool over some JWoww rumor he heard on the radio. The radio, of all places! He might as well have read it in a pile of pig knuckles, or at the bottom of a cup of tea. “Yet again, you’re lying to me,” he fumes as JWoww scrambles to make sense of the call. Apparently she’s getting sued? Doesn’t that happen to famous people, like, every day? I’d be willing to believe she honestly didn’t know someone had filed a suit against her, but who am I to divine the true nature of their reality? All I can say is that Roger is starting to grate on his girlfriend as much as he’s starting to grate on me. I mean, does he not understand how important his eyes are? Why would he risk getting them stabbed out like this? Love: who can understand it?
Last week: Babies, Daddies and Baby Daddies