Having gathered her Jersey Shore roommates together for dinner, Snooki prepares to tell them that not only is she engaged, she’s also with child. Too bad everyone is too busy being a complete dillweed to listen.
“Jionni can’t afford that shit. He doesn’t have a job,” Pauly laughs about Snooki’s ring, pondering, “I can’t imagine Snooki being tied down, unless it’s to a bed post.” Meanwhile, his hostess’ face is filled with murder. “Dig in, assholes,” Snooki glowers. “This was deeply uncomfortable,” Ronnie says, not yet realizing the most uncomfortable part: Snooki has had a cake printed with the words, “By the way, I’m also pregnant.” That’s the problem with customizing a cake, I guess: it assumes nothing will happen in the intervening hours to transform your happy cake announcement into a humiliating frosting-covered clusterfuck.
So Snooki goes to the kitchen and gets her little pink cake and it really is humiliating, once you factor in her roommates’ idiocy and JWoww’s mocking laughter and having to get out the right amount of forks and plates and little napkins. Luckily, when Snooki unveils her prenatal surprise, everyone quickly apologizes for having acted like a pile of asshats. Just kidding! They rip into her even harder.
“It looks just like me,” Vinny declares while examining Snooki’s sonogram, before bolting toward the door in mock fright. “Because of her, I’m petrified to have a kid,” JWoww declares. Eventually everyone pats her on the arm and apologizes if they said anything weird and tells her this is her path, but you know Snooki is planning to raise that baby as a trained mercenary who, on his or her 18th birthday, will be dispatched to cut down the roommates in an orgy of bloodletting. It’ll be like a little reunion! A death reunion!
The next day, Anthony the Perverted Handyman stops by to collect his filthy reward, by which I mean his handyman fee. “I just think Anthony is really creepy because he wants his money,” Snooki explains. Nick the Department Store Portrait Artist stops by with their commissioned piece, which is deemed sufficiently Scarface to hang. To rebond after their Dinner of Despair, Snooki and JWoww take a few moments to gasp over the fantastic, elastic human vagina, which they watch pop out baby after baby on YouTube. “I had no idea how fucking far it stretches,” JWoww wonders, as they fall around laughing. Aw! Man, I wish there was still time to call off that death reunion, but the wheels of fate are already in motion. Sorry, JWoww!
Now that their apartment looks sufficiently like crap, he girls are ready to throw their big housewarming party. Jionni arrives to put together the grill, thus giving Roger the opportunity to constantly emasculate him him. “Get him a stool if he wants me to kick me in the head,” Roger observes, laughing, “Nothing makes me happier that you getting hurt.” Being a man sure can be weird, huh?
At the party Snooki’s gay friend Joey (not to be mistaken with JWoww’s gay friend Joey) arrives and manages to get everyone in attendance to watch him get spray-tanned in JWoww’s spray tan tent. On a related note, JWoww has a spray tan tent.
Everyone sips their drink and smiles as Joey riffs, hikes his shorts into a cloth diaper and demands JWoww spray ever deeper into his buttcrack. “I see, like, a ball pop out of his shorts,” JWoww reports. Personally, I can only pray Joey is asked to come live with the girls. Maybe as Snooki’s wet nurse! He can sleep in that zebra-print ottoman!
Now to talk about what really counts: JWoww’s dad. How I missed him, his long blond hair billowing in a breeze that seems to come from his long blond hair itself! I’d love to know what he thinks of his daughter’s leopard-print, Duct-tape world and her hot dog-colored lover, but JWoww’s dad remains as mute and impassive as the sphinx.
“He knows I have a tiny penis,” Roger drunkenly roars, inches away from JWoww’s Dad. “I’ve had chlamydia four times,” Roger boasts. Did it get into your brain cavity, Rog? JWoww is embarrassed, but not so embarrassed she’s going to rethink any of her life decisions. JWoww’s dad and Roger should have a spin-off where every episode begins with Roger being diagnosed with a new STD and ends with JWoww’s dad silently punching him in the stomach. Credits roll.
In the series’ most interesting moment to date, JWoww’s dad and Snooki’s dad find themselves out on the patio as the party drunkenly stumbles on. They take a moment to contemplate their daughters’ lives, what with their giant breast implants and smoosh rooms and televised UTIs. As men who don’t seem to be a part of the Jersey world, what do they think of their offsprings’ choices?
“I’m glad they’ve gotten to be such good friends,” Snooki’s dad says. JWoww’s dad nods in agreement. Aw, can we admit that sometimes parents just do understand? And seriously, is there a wind machine on JWoww’s dad? He constantly looks like he’s posing for the cover of Dad Vogue.
Last week: The Barbie Guidette Dream House Effect