Love is in the air, as is the bronzer and hairspray they are constantly aspirating, when JWoww decides to celebrate her one-year anniversary with Roger by decorating the Smoosh Room. I always imagined the Smoosh Room to be the place where I will be taken after death as a punishment for my earthly sins, but sure, a romantic evening seems like a reasonable use, too. Jenni and Sammi take a trip to the sex store to stock up on candy dicks, furry handcuffs and a kit to take a mold of your vagina as a fun reminder for your loved one of the vagina they’re about to see in real life anyway. All surfaces sticky! All orifices irritated! Now that’s amore!
This turn of events, however, does not sit well with Vinny and Pauly. “The smoosh room is supposed to be for single people!” they gripe. Nah, nah, nah, wait a minute, ya’ll. I thought it was only for the sexy people? Ugh, you’re right; that wasn’t funny. I’ll be waiting in the Smoosh Room to receive my eternal punishment. Man, why are there never any sheets on this bed?
Now, in my opinion the distinction between spurting your fluids onto one monstrously taut orange body on the reg versus many seems like a pretty arbitrary delineation. Nonetheless, the gents decide to register their displeasure hauling the soiled mattress out onto the roof. “I just got pregnant,” Pauly laughs as he touches years of sex-related filth. “I just got a fuckload of Mike’s babies on my chin!,” Vinny adds with disgust. “How is that different from any other day?” Pauly retorts. Zing! Man, these guys. I just want them to come move the jism-soaked mattresses around my house so I can enjoy their special brand of homoerotic friendship. “What happened to Smoosh Bed?” Jenni asks upon finding the mattress missing. Good god, it has a name. Its name is Smoosh Bed. I’m beginning to think Hitler was reincarnated as Smoosh Bed. It just adds up, people!
Once she realizes her love cave has been defiled, JWoww makes an eternal vow of revenge. “Whoever did this is going to get it back tenfold,” Jenni swears to the gods of her people. When will people realize you just don’t piss off a woman with the upper body strength necessary to swing a broadsword? If JWoww had to cut off a breast to shoot an arrow better, she would do it. She would then go out and buy a bigger, nicer boob to replace it, and that is why you do not want to fuck with her when she’s celebrating her long-term relationship.
After JWoww singlehandedly wrestles the soggy mattress back into the room (as opposed to burning it, the only known way to let all the souls it contains escape), Ronnie, Pauly and Vinny all stand in the doorway, squealing like 12-year-old boys over Jenni’s sexy accoutrement. My god, the idea that anyone in that house feels like they can point to something and say “Ew” is such hubris! Such overweening pride! “This is a shore house, not an old-age home,” Vinny jokes in complete defiance of every social convention I’ve ever heard about the elderly. Are Jersey olds generally known for cloning their pussies and getting a rash from synthetic rose petals? Luckily, Roger loves it, and he’s the only old man who matters here. “Where’s my Metamucil and fiber bar?” he laughs. Haha, oh Roger! They’re right there, under the candy dicks! Later, Pauly sneers, “What’s going to go on upstairs is just gross.” The idea that the cast members on this show feel it’s appropriate to say that occasionally, as opposed to constantly? My god, the nerve!
Not that anyone else would have been using the Smoosh Room, anyway. Both Pauly and the Situation managed to strike out with their respective DTFs, sabotaged as they were by the inherent lady-ness of their partners. While Pauly’s dream nerd, Gina, had to bow out due to her pesky menstrual cycle, the Sitch’s girl gets all the way to the men’s pajamas stage of the evening before she demurs, citing her “shyness” (or more likely, “sobriety”). He scoffs, “The Situation doesn’t do appointments.” Laughs Pauly, “Take your girl and your tampons and go!” Oh, if only there were disembodied self-lubricating holes just constantly available for fucking, unfettered by these complicated bags of meat we call bodies and minds! One day, Science. One day.
Later, the gang’s trip to Karma is besieged by grenades. To whit, we’re treated to a montage of fat female body parts. In all fairness, though, their chances probably weren’t helped by Vinny’s denim plaid shirt. “Your sister was nice enough to loan you her entire outfit?” Pauly inquires. “I loved you on The Dukes of Hazzard,” Roger riffs. Ugh, you boys keep me young. “Honestly? We really should turn gay,” Vinny jokes after they go home alone. HAHA, what if, you guys? That would just be insane. So, so sexy and insane.
Deena is also bottoming out with erstwhile bed buddy Joey, who has let his inner asshole out. It takes Deena a little while to realize it, though. “I don’t know,” she murmurs in a heartbreaking rasp. “I like him.” Oh Deena, will your cabs ever be here?
Finally, finally, the Situation’s idiotic plan to tell Jionni about his hook-up with Snooki is about to come to fruition. It’s been about to come to fruition for weeks, so, you know, it’s hard to get worked up over the ravings of a madman. “She tried to play me like a chess piece a few weeks ago against the boys,” the Sitch rants to the Unit. None of that . . . actually happened, did it? “It’s like you have a pen,” he explains. “You have a pitbull and a chicken.” Which would explain what happened to the smoosh room mattress.
For all this talk about being “Sitch-tradamus” (which, I have to hand it to him, is a very satisfying play on words), Mike somehow did not foresee that a drunken Unit would get arrested during their walk home. It’s moments like these that I wonder if the police don’t have enough power. Why should they have to wait until he’s been drinking to throw the Unit in jail? I really look forward to some Minority Report-type shit up in the near future. That way, as soon as a new Unit slides from his mother’s womb, he can be escorted immediately to prison.
Despite all the kinks in his terrible, nonsensical plan (like Jionni’s family being at Karma for no conceivable reason), the Situation somehow manages to pull Jionni aside to drop the bomb while Snooki frolics in Dreamland, trails of toilet paper dancing beneath her heels. “The probability of this is just insane,” the Situation gasps incorrectly at his luck of getting Jionni alone. The episode ends right before The Big Reveal, but if you aren’t sure how this discussion is going to play out next week, just remember this: last night the Situation tipped a delivery boy . . . with a protein pack. Like it was money. That a person might use. Yeah, shit’s gonna get cray.
Last episode: Whatever Lola Wants, Lola Gets