Ah, Italy! A country of magic, of romance, of history. A place we will never, ever see, because the cast is too busying discussing Deena‘s bi-curious hook-up to leave the house. “The truth is, Deena and I did tag team a girl,” Vinny admits. He is clearly still mad at her for temporarily borrowing what he perceives to be the twin designated to him by the gods as if the woman was not a sentient human, completely capable of deciding which overly-tweezed, bronzer-caked body she wanted to run herself against. Oh, and let’s not forget the inherent hilarity in the idea of two women having sex delivers, because it is lolz galore as far as the guys are concerned. “Les-be honest,” quoth Pauly D, the guys struggling for air after each of his bon mots. Cunnilingus: its a laugh and a half, I always say! I always say that.
As always, Pauly D and Vinny’s teasing of Deena over her lesbianic hoochocity starts out gentle, until the prank center of their brains get stimulated and they go for Deen’s soft underbelly: her bed. There’s something very primal about the bed on Jersey Shore; we call recall Ronnie dragging Sam‘s bed out onto the roof last season. Deena sees her stuff in the living room and loses. Her. Shit.
Luckily for everyone’s collective mental health, the house has JWoww, or as I like to think of her, the Godmother. With her sexual interests lying with a stable boyfriend back home, JWoww has been instrumental in clearing up, as well as starting, the majority of the house’s smush-related confusion. After collecting Deena’s belongings from the living room, JWoww warns the guys, “I don’t want this girl having a nervous breakdown.” Cut to Deena whispering under the covers, “I’m having an anxiety attack.” Later in the episode JWoww meets with Ronnie in the pigeons’ room to discuss his relationship with Sammi (Seriously, they need to make more of the fact that one room of the house just has pigeons flying in and out of it). With a wreath of smoke curling around her head, JWoww calmly but purposefully probes Ron-Ron for information. If anyone crosses her, you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they’re going to wake up with JWoww’s old head in their bed. If only she had had her henchman Pierre draped over the back of the chair, the picture would have been completely.
While Vinny, Pauly and Deena eventually resolve their differences, drama between Snooki and the Situation remains the same, particularly because, when it comes to their alleged hook-up, the Situation views himself as the Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. of being an asshat. “I’m going to bring the truth to the people,” he declares, while Snooki opts to call and tell her increasingly confused boyfriend Jionni back in the States about the Situation’s claims about their romantic interlude. Jionni seems confused but not particularly worried, which seems to be the most reasonable response.
Deena and Snooki venture out to their place of employ, the pizzeria. After working for 5 minutes proved too boring, the ladies beg a customer to buy them wine, which they proceed to gulp down in secret while locked in the unisex bathroom. You know, like how the Italians do it. When the unamused owner finds their stash, the girls almost weep to see their Chardonnay dumped down the sink. “That’s alcohol abuse,” Snooki whispers. Oh, and what’s Deena’s excuse for why they were both fervently using the bathroom at the same time? “I was on my perioso,” she crows. You know, like how the Italians menstruate.
Meanwhile, Sam and Ron have remained remarkably stable. With JWoww’s benevolent intercession Ron picks out an outfit which has Sammi squealing, probably because she has 5000 version of if already. Yup, Ronnie and Sammi sure seem to be doing a lot OH GOD HANNAH! Remember Hannah, Ronnie’s “friend” who he agreed to fly out to visit prior to his reuniting with Sammi? Well, she is still coming. JWoww chats with Snooki, briefly debating with her about the relative merits of telling Sammi about Hannah’s impending arrival. For one beautiful shining moment, you think that perhaps the girls will write another anonymous note. Oh that every season could revolve around a anonymous note! They opt to keep quiet: a good idea for them, a recipe for weave-pulling disaster for Hannah. The woman is going to fly all the way to Florence just to be strangled with a wide belt, wrapped in a blue leopard print one-shoulder mini-dress and dumped over the Ponte Vecchio, and we are going to be collectively called to the stand. I think JWoww should be judge, jury and execution on this one.
It comes at the end of the episode, but as promised by the previews, Ronnie and the Situation end up in a massive brawl over…god, it’s barely worth explaining, but suffice it to say that it revolves around the Situation gossiping to Sammi about Ron. You know the drill. As he is working himself up into a rage, Ronnie looks like he was….having a lot of fun at the club, and now that he’s back home that…fun hasn’t quite worn off, if you get what I’m saying? Like, his skin is glistening with fun sweat and his heart is just racing with pure fun juice. Ron drags the Situation’s bed out of his room; cut to the Situation being taken out in a stretcher. As a great character once explained, “I don’t feel I have to wipe everybody out, Tom. Just my enemies.” What makes Jersey Shore so unnerving, at least these past two seasons, is that it’s never clear minute to minute who in the house is actually friends, and who is just boiling over with barely suppressed fury, a toxic cocktail of alcohol, resentment and being locked in an apartment with the same 8 people for months at a time. Just waiting to go off. Then again, that could just be an editing issue.
Last Episode: Ronnie and Sammi are Back On