Snooki’s boyfriend Jionni finally comes to Italy to visit, and the lil’ meatball is poof-over-heels excited to see him. “Jionni is like Crocodilli but alive!” she proudly declares, and if you know who Crocodilli is, STOP YOURSELF BEFORE YOU BECOME ME. Meanwhile, the Situation has taken up some embarrassing bastardized form of kung-fu, perhaps in case the wall has developed an unquenchable thirst for man blood. “I can’t wait for Mike to like, kick in the air and slip on a banana peel and break his ankle,” JWoww muses out loud. Sing the song, girl! Preach! Eventually the Situation gets around to reading his storyline…I mean, experiencing his real emotions for Snooki and seems content to glower and stalk and mildly perturb the happy couple from a menacing distance. The producers…I mean, the Situation, can’t help but start beef.
Speaking of beef, Snooki could not be more exited that her man and his delectable butthole are within sucking distance. “I just need to touch your freaking tan wiener,” she squeals, admitting, “I shouldn’t have said it, but his wiener’s tan and I love it.” May Europe enjoy the finest of America’s exported wangs! Because Snooks is happy and the entire gang seems to be having a good time for once, it all has to immediately go to shit once they hit the clubs. “Your balls are out,” Jionni tells Snooki, bafflingly, later snapping “You’re dancing like a fucking whore.” This might just be my opinion here, but these two crazy kids probably need to see a couples therapist, someone who can take Jionni into a quiet room and ask him, “You know you’re dating Snooki, right?” While Jionni seems to take deep personal offense to Snooki flashing her cuca to yet another Italian club, everyone else on the planet knows that the show is currently operating at a two-vageene-per-episode minimum. Any fewer, and executives start losing jobs. Unfortunately, after Snooki gleefully shows off her prosciutto to the entire club, Jionni flies into a rage and stalks off into the night.
If Jersey Shore has done one thing for American culture (which it hasn’t), it’s definitely opened people’s eyes to the true gender equality inherent in divadom. As a whole, Jersey Shore has more male diva behavior than every episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race combined, and yes, I am including Bebe Zahara. When Jionni storms off blindly into the Florentine night, hands thrown up in frustration, he might as well be stomping it out to Cheryl Lynn’s “Got To Be Real.” It probably goes without saying that Snooki does not take this turn of events well, and proceeds to have a full-blown meltdown. No, you don’t understand; she literally melts, her mascara running, her poof dripping toward the cobble stones. Luckily, in her moment of shrieking, drunken despair, JWoww stepped up to the plate. “I am a bitch, but I’m giving you a fucking reality check,” she warns a howling Nicole. Even thought Roger, the orange-armored knight of our dreams, is too busy having an actual job to visit her, JWoww will stop at nothing to hunt down her friend’s errant boyfriend. “Only because I fucking love her,” JWoww says, before removing off her stilettos and scampering off barefoot into the night. The woman spray-tanned Snooki’s inner-thighs, for Christ’s sake, which in many cultures makes her responsible for Snooki for the rest of her life.
Approximately 74 hours later (aka the number of hours it took Jionni to get to Florence in the first place), he returns to break up with Snooki and storm off with his suitcases to…where? The airport? To dance for his life? “There goes my life,” Jionni sighs from behind the bathroom door as Snooki screeches in agony, the realization that she might never suck his butt again finally washing over her. “See ya. You’re single,” Jionni snarls before taking off what at must have been 4:00am to take the 91-hour-flight home. Snook is decimated, the rest of the house awkwardly stunned in his wake. Got to be, got to be real!
Last Episode: Snooki and Deena Get Curious