Well, I’ll just say it: the cast member who is the hands-down fan favorite so far has to be Pierre, the house marionette. That guy is the fucking best! Whether being made to do the Jersey Turnpike or beating up the beat, that little cloth-and-wire man was just killing it this episode. It’s a shame to know he’ll soon be found soaked in vino in the garbage or crushed at the bottom of the romantic color-change Jacuzzi, which by the way, is the best attribute of the Italian apartment we’ve seen so far.
Running a close second, however, would be Deena. Remember season three when Deena was an untouchable loser? The woman was mocked by the boys to the point of tears, and once compared to a drunken hippopotamus by the Situation. The episode where she was gently accused of leaving her period panties curled up in the bathroom haunts me to this day. In Italy however, Deena is trembling on the brink of womanhood, and needs only for Pauly to smush her over the edge. It’s pretty clear that these two will end up booked in the smush room after their intense tongue-grappling last episode, though Pauly is rightfully concerned that Deena might contract a vicious case of Feelings from their encounter. Late in the episode Pauly also casually throws Deena under the bus for claiming the Situation tried to cuddle her, but luckily he bought her a garbage bracelet to atone and the episode ended with the pair curled up together in a chair, with Deena gazing at Pauly in deep smitt. Would that the cabs be here, forever.
The Snooki and Situation drama heats up as well, like the delicious pizza pies that the crew will be required to make as part of their requisite part-time job at a pizzeria. I take it back: the pizzas are the second best character so far, with Deena a close third. Comparing the dough to a baby’s bottom and panicking at the owner’s woobly English, Snooks is downright adorable making a pie. “She loves hot salami,” Pauly gleefully informs their Italian coworkers. Meanwhile her man Jionni is pissed that Snooki didn’t call him while she was asleep. “I legit wake up at 3 in the afternoon,” she explains on the phone. As Snooki feuds with her man, the Situation waits to swoop in from literally four feet away. Despite his new posturing as love vulture, Snook seems kind of over his affection already, which is the smartest way to be. Perhaps motivating that feeling is Britney, the American student the Situation banged, then immediately send home in a cab. The girl hauled ass out of that apartment, only to come over later DTW. Also, let me just say: if I never see the Situation’s shiny ecstasy face in night vision ever again, I will die a happy woman. Not as happy as I would be if I hadn’t see it at all, but those days are over now. Snooki eventually shuts the Situation down (and beautifully, since it’s clear no one should trust a goddamn word that man says) but how long can that last, really? There are only so many combinations of cast mates available!
Throughout all of it, JWoww has assumed her rightful role as raspy narrator/messenger pigeon. Seeing as how she has a man back home and has finished transforming herself into a extraterrestrial sex goddess, JWoww could not give a shit about vying for the guys‚ affection tip-toeing around other people’s drama. “Oh, this is so embarrassing,” she howls when Sammi and Ron drunkenly rehash their relationship mid-club. “Making coffee in Italian is like making coffee in the 1600s,” she growls as she pounds individual beans with what looks like a garlic press.
As to be expected, there was no way we were getting through two full episodes without Sammi and Ronnie drama. It was really a fool’s errand to try. After tearfully admonishing a drunk Ronnie for bragging about all the chicks he’s had on his greasy orange wiener following their breakup, Sammi decides that she is in love with him and wants to cuddle. Haven’t your glasses been through enough, woman? As if that wasn’t already an awful idea (which it truly is), Ron has plans to fly out his new sidepiece Hannah in a few weeks. “I do have feelings, so why not act on them?” Sammi explains. Even as the words leave her mouth, she stares into the camera, resigned and defeated. It seems pretty clear we’re going to need an emotional intervention from everyone’s favorite puppet-man immediately. Or, as I’m going to force into the American lexicon: WWPD?
Last Episode: La Dolce Vita?