It’s about time the cast went on a road trip! Or as the Italians call it, il road trip! Leaving the apartment to air for a few days, the gang rents cars and drives to sunny Riccione, Italy: beautiful beaches, seaside restaurants, white shirts unbuttoned all the way down to the sternu….wait a minute! It’s like we’re in Jersey all over again! And just as if we teleported back to the good ol’ U.S.A., Deena and Snooki use their vacation days to take a trip down the Jersey Turnpike…all the way to Bicuriousville! Between Team Meatball’s Sapphic exploration and the add for the new season of Real World, I really have to question why each and every reality show doesn’t stockpile their cast with hot bisexuals. Hear me out! I’m not saying bisexual people would be more promiscuous (how could they be), or that every cast member would be willing to potentially hook up with every other person, I’m just saying that the bisexuals I would personally cast for the next generation of Jersey Shore (Jersey Shore 2: Electric Smooshaloo) will be. It all comes down to an issue of math. If everyone can hook up with everyone else logistically, that gives us…how many potential hook-up variations? 16? 40, 320? 64? The point is someone is bringing it up in a development meeting as you read this.
Thrilled to be out of that den of sorrows and light concussions, Snook and Deena hit the sauce hard and early, so early that as of 7:00pm the rest of the cast is already dreading the hot mess hurricane that was about to sweep across their vacation. JWoww and Sammi are so embarrassed by the girls’ mid-day inebriated wackiness that they start to walk about 25 yards in front of them them, which is funny considering that JWoww isn’t wearing pants and also they are on this show. Also, at that point Deena hasn’t drunkenly danced so hard her bathing suit bottoms rocketed off so, have a sense of proportion, you two.
Meanwhile the boys are delighted by the naked Italian beach goers as well as the haute cuisine. “These are dinosaurs!,” Vinny delightedly declares while examining a lobster tank. Having drank more than their combined weight in body shots, Deena and Snooki turn up to dinner approximately two hours behind schedule and are already slurring their words when the group heads out to the clubs. Remember how I mentioned Deena’s bathing suit bottoms falling off? This becomes a salient plot point in about five seconds. “Dude! Your vagina’s out!,” JWoww shouts with horror as Deena drops it again and again in front of a reflective glass wall to the delight of the 19 year-old Italian guys hovering nearby. The choice of a tasteful “Jersey Shore” sign to cover up her exposed crotch was nothing short of flawless. As the night goes on, Deena and Snooki start to grind up on each other, their drunken kisses turning into a more passionate make out. Eventually they make it back to the hotel where they flop down into the same bed to the delight and disgust of their roommates.
Unfortunately, upon waking exhausted and hungover, the ladies must deal with the hardest part of an intra-roommate hookup: having everyone else make fun of you. “It smells like…hot sweat and regret last night,” Vinny opines. How far did the two actually go? Presenting the most damning piece of evidence, Detective JWoww declares, “There were knees up.” The defense rests, your honor! Despite the fact that the two clearly took it no further than an intense makeout session, Snooki is wracked with guilt at having to tell Jionni The Truth when they return to Florence. The other roommates, however, vibrate with glee as they eavesdrop on her tearful phone call. Whether it’s because Deena is another woman, or because they clearly did not have sex, or because it’s a completely fabricated scenario organized by the producers, Jionni seems completely fine with it. Snooki sighs with happiness, then proceeds to plow their car into a police cruiser.
Okay, it didn’t happen that quickly; Deena and Snooki also hide inside garbage cans at the pizzeria where they work, like two little guido R2D2s. However, we’ve all seen the footage enough times already to know exactly what happens: Shnooks slams into a patrol car belonging to a member of the famous glass-necked Italian police force, and the cop is slowly taken out via stretcher while she weeps before being hauled off to jail. Overall, a pretty great weekend, you guys. One of those weekends with your friends you never forget, because it’s hard to forget anything in a holding cell.
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