Watching Snooki frantically scrabble at that gigantic front door for 45 seconds attempting to get out was like watching a living poem. There is a meaning, and then there is a meaning. Eventually she escapes (did the lock just come off in her hand? That’s what it looked like) and flees to the streets of Florence to look for her lost love Jionni – whom, if you recall, fled into the night after Snooki flashed her vagina on the dance floor. Love is a losing game, indeed. Jionni doesn’t appear to be in the very first bar she enters, which is dire news for the search effort. Snooki stops to soothe herself with a Corona; she stays to drink and weep and dance by herself in the aisle. Also, did I say it was a bar? I meant deli that sells beer over the counter. As tears leak from beneath her sunglasses and her albino Wookie boots rustle in the breeze, Snooki shouts at some confused Italians eating lunch not to look at her. No one was looking at her. Well, except for us. And the rest of America. Okay, basically everyone is looking at her except for those five people eating lunch but man, how confused must they have been?
JWoww continues to be the divine voice of reason for this group of chuckleheads, which is why I wanted to shake some sense into her when she apologized to Snooki for not accompanying her on her 15-minute-long, extremely limited search for Jionni. Of course, if I did try to actually shake her, JWoww would just rip my arms out of their sockets, as it should be. Meanwhile, both meatballs are covered in an impressive number of nasty bruises from falling down all the time, everywhere. Deena in particular is sporting a League Of Their Own-caliber thigh injury. Snooki, and later JWoww, call Jionni’s phone over and over until he picks up. The girls look on, stricken, as Snooki sobs and grows angry, apologizes and grows steely, and breaks and puts up an iron wall covered in gingham hair bows. Deena’s face is heartbroken.
Sadly, we learn that Jionni has already left Italy. All right, he actually just took a train to Rome. Okay . . . he’s actually at the train station. JWoww activates. As they hustle to apply their false lashes in the quickest amount of time possible, JWoww screams at a flip-flopping Snooki, “You’re not being Sam right now!” Agrees Sammi, “She’s definitely having a Sam moment.” How far we’ve come. This was also about the time that I realize that I would watch a million hours of Snooki crying her bronzer off and a million more of Deena hitting the street like a ton of drunken bricks, before I watch one second of Ronnie and Sam fight ever, ever again. Can you have PTSD from a reality TV show romance? Seriously, I would have my eyelids removed to watch an infinite loop of Pauly screaming, “Cabs are here!” before I look upon that Nightmare Time again. So weep on, tiny weeper!
Snooki and JWoww hustle to the train station to find Jionni waiting ($50 says he was just standing, staring open-mouthed at that bike rack, since he left that apartment). After a brief reunion, Jionni confirms that he just can’t do it anymore and bails again. That bike rack isn’t going to gape at itself, people! The breakup is followed by numerous, increasingly sad break-up calls between the two, which the rest of the cast eavesdrops on. It’s pretty clear that the city of Florence has severely limited where the show is allowed to shoot, but that doesn’t mean the cast has to be in the same room every second of the day. Nor is there a law mandating that Snooki has to wear that church-looking hat, okay? I also assume every Gender Studies/Television and Film Studies joint major was taking copious notes during the ladies’ discussion of Jionni’s douchebaggery for their thesis. As JWoww confirms to Snooki, “For once, you’re not wrong.”
Meanwhile, Deena has a mild-to-moderate pregnancy scare, which means a trip to the Pregnancy Test Gnome! The PTG lives behind an oversized medieval door, and once visited by brave travelers (JWoww and a weeping Deena), it challenges them with riddles and trickery until it finally passes the pregnancy test through a tiny hole in the door. Alternately, maybe JWoww just reached in, grabbed it by its filthy gnome shroud and slammed it against the inside of the door until it relented. I don’t know; I’m assuming we lost a lot in editing. Thankfully, Deena is not pregnant, though let’s be honest, that would be least two more seasons right there. Deena also cleans a toilet with a mop, which is just top-notch television and I wish I was even joking.
Needless to say, the loss of Jionni has left Snooki complete horny. I mean, devastated! Devastated! To cheer herself up, the producers have Snooki throw an apartment party just for the cast. The ladies tease their poofs high, Pauly pulls out his DJ equipment and the Situation gets his skeeve on. Watching him fondle Snooki’s little toddler pump with lust was just hateful. I felt like someone was going to walk in and offer him iced tea and he would cheerfully accept. She’s just lucky Pierre drowned in the hot tub, causing his tiny marionette soul to haunt the swivel jets, or else they would be hooking up in there so fast. There is a silver lining to every dark cloud.
The Situation later tries to woo Snooki by telling her he was planning to kick Jionni in the head. “I just want to vomit hearing this,” Snooki says, which makes all of us in the world. In an impressive switcheroo, Snooki somehow blames a reasonably confused Ronnie for the Situation wanting to fight Jionni. Finally Snooki blows off his advances and ends up snuggling in bed with Vinny. I think you know what happens after that (hint: it’s gross). Is the Situation going to smash his head into the wall once again when he and Vinny end up in an inevitable fight? Was there ever any other option?
LAST WEEK: Snooki’s Boyfriend Gets Some Reality