It was yet another mixed bag night of auditions on America’s Got Talent, this time in St. Louis. But unlike Monday night’s show in Tampa Bay, which featured mostly good acts, the second night of week three had more cringe-worthy performances. At least newbie judge Howard Stern has finally seemed to realize that his shtick of climbing onstage at every opportunity is wearing thin, as he mainly stayed seated. Otherwise, it was pretty much status quo for the show. So, here’s all you need to know.
The Good (a.k.a. “The Real Business”)
Issac Brown, singer: When this dapper six-year-old stepped onstage, we had flashbacks to young Mir Money’s meltdown last week. Because of that, you could tell Howard was determined not to touch his buzzer no matter how bad the kid was. But the shock jock wasn’t put in the same position again, since Issac was not only cute as a button but he also had a pretty good voice. He definitely channeled a little bit of MJ while singing the Jackson 5’s “I Want You Back,” leaving the audience and judges eating out of the palm of his tiny little hand. With three big yeses, he could sail through the second round in Las Vegas based on the cuteness factor alone.
Spencer Horsman, escape artist: At 26, this guy claims to be the “world’s youngest” person doing Houdini-like stunts, which seems kinda old to us, but we’ll roll with it. He certainly had the lame-o “escape artist” from Monday night’s show beat, as he donned a straitjacket and hung himself upside down inside a giant, bear trap-like contraption that was set to snap shut after 80 seconds. With its potential to maim or even kill him, the judges and audience were riveted from the second the clock started ticking. Thankfully, just as the trap snapped shut, he broke free and fell to the ground. The judges eagerly sent him off to Vegas, and Howard upped the ante of what he wanted to see next time, saying, “I won’t be satisfied till you kill yourself!” Nice.
The Eh (a.k.a. “Not So Much”)
Jake Wesley Rogers, singer: We’re not really sure why the judges loved this guy so much. He performed an all right rendition of Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love,” but it definitely wasn’t worthy of such an easy pass to the next round. All we can think is the judges saw the coveted market of tween girls tuning in to make sure the geek-chic cutie stays in the competition.
The Cut Throat Freak Show, sideshow act: This was actually more “ew” than “eh,” like a car accident you can’t look away from. First, a woman named Candy Pants stomped on a bucketful of broken beer bottles. Then a guy picked up a folding chair by sticking hooks into his eyelids, which stretched so far beyond reasonable comprehension that you’re probably a serial killer if you didn’t squirm. For the grand finale, another man swallowed a sword that was removed with the help of the world’s strongest eyelids. Howard and Howie Mandel thought it was riveting enough for Vegas, but Sharon Osbourne was too grossed out to agree. Still, we’ll see you again soon, Miss Candy Pants!
The Just Plain Bad (a.k.a. “The Bizarro Bunch”)
Tom Bonham, puppeteer: This poor guy has spent the majority of 65 years on earth perfecting his “skill” – poorly maneuvering homemade puppets made from recycled household items, like paper mache kangaroos, a bleach bottle elephant and a Howard doll made out of a toilet brush. Adding an extra element of creepy was the fact that he sang “Over the Rainbow” during the whole thing. Howard and Sharon thankfully buzzed him, but Howie was so oddly enamored that he told the guy “do not give up the dream.” Clearly Mr. Mandel was sipping something other than Snapple from his cup.
Little Ozzy, singer: On the surface, a little person impersonating Sharon’s heavy metal hubby Ozzy Osbourne sounds awesome. And it was, for a few brief seconds. But then things went horribly awry as his voice got nasally while singing “Mama, I’m Coming Home,” a song the Prince of Darkness wrote for his wife. Pander much? Well, it worked – in terms of getting Little Ozzy a hug from Sharon. But he didn’t get her vote, or anyone else’s, for that matter. Somewhere though, the band Mini KISS is planning a co-headlining tour with this guy.
Curtis Cutts Bey, singer: Terrible. So terrible, in fact, that all three judges buzzed at the exact same time – as soon as he opened his mouth to sing Rick James’ “Give It to Me Baby.” But for some reason host Nick Cannon felt the need to run on stage and help him through another rendition, which was only made bearable by the comic relief of Ron Christopher Porter Jr. (see below). Otherwise, the do-over was a total waste of time.
We Hardly Knew Ya
The Soda Crusher: Yeah, it was cool that this jacked woman was able to crush full, unopened cans of soda with her bare hands. But the truly fascinating thing about her was she looked exactly like comedian Carrot Top. Based on that uncanny resemblance alone, we would have loved to watch her crush the whole six-pack rather than just a couple. Maybe she can sneak into Vegas by pretending to be him?
“Little Peanut”: We didn’t catch the name of this all-female Irish step dancing troupe, but they certainly made an impression with their comically curly hair and Tammy Faye-inspired makeup. Stealing the spotlight was a five-year-old who clearly deserves a starring role on Toddlers & Tiaras. But for now, round two in Vegas will have to do.
Ron Christopher Porter, Jr.: It’s a total travesty we won’t be seeing more of this guy, an overly excitable but extremely likeable wannabe voiceover actor. While the judges didn’t think his talent was worthy of a million dollars, they did think he’d make a good sidekick for host Nick Cannon, whom he assisted for some of the night. And we gotta say, Ronny boy was waaay more entertaining than Nick could ever hope to be. AGT, sign this guy on as host ASAP!
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