January may be a time of excitement and new beginnings, but around these parts, the first month of the year is known as Scumuary, and Peter Travers has a backlog of Hollywood garbage waiting to take its rightful place in his scum bucket.
Kicking off the “boo”-nanza is the wholly unoriginal The Legend of Hercules followed by Devil’s Do, a horror movie about a woman pregnant with Satan’s child that – as you’ve probably already surmised – is a complete rip off of Roman Polanski’s Rosemary’s Baby. The Paranormal Activity gang offered up The Marked Ones as the latest iteration to their hidden-camera horror show, and it’s so irritating that Travers isn’t sure if it’s the fifth or 500th installment.
At unlucky number seven is Best Night Ever, which is essentially The Hangover with a female cast, while The Nut Job, an animated film starring Will Arnett, offers the kids nothing: “Kids need to see animated movies, they want to escape, and they give them The Nut Job,” Travers rails. “It has nothing, it didn’t have a single laugh!”
The top five opens with That Awkward Moment, a young adult comedy that’s painfully unfunny and gives it’s three hot young actors – Zac Efron, Michael B. Jordan and breakout Sundance star Miles Teller – absolutely nothing to work with. Next up is Jason Reitman’s Labor Day, which stars Kate Winslet as a lonely single mother who welcomes an escaped killer (Josh Brolin) into her home. While it may have sounded like more Oscar gold for the director behind Juno and Up In The Air, Travers says Brolin’s character “shows them not only what love is, but how to bake a peach pie. I am not making this up – the whole movie is him making pies and showing them what goes into the crust. It is chick flick torture!”
Rounding out the top three is Gimme Shelter, which has nothing to do with the Rolling Stones. Rather, it’s a failed Oscar-bait project for Vanessa Hudgens, who plays a homeless, pregnant and drug-addicted teenager. At number two is the inane cop comedy Ride Along, which would be number one if it weren’t for an electric performance from Kevin Hart. That leaves the distinct honor of Scumuary’s worst film to none other than I, Frankenstein. The bland, unimaginative movie that brings Frankenstein’s monster into the present day is so awful that Travers sums up in the most succinct way possible: “Any movie that begins ‘I,’ with a comma on it, must be missed forever, because it’s scum bucket time.”