TheFinalInterviewwith theMost InterestingMan in the World
A rare discussion with the world's most interesting man recounting his life, inspirations and the most unforgettable moments of an unbelievable journey. As he prepares for the next frontier - a one-way trip to Mars - we sit down to look back with the man who never looks back.
First of all, thank you so much for taking the time to answer a few questions - you're obviously a very busy man. What would you be doing right now if you weren't doing this interview?
Well, as you know, I have some upcoming interplanetary travel. And you'd be surprised how strict they are when it comes to the number of carry-on bags. So needless to say, I need to choose my ascots carefully.
Tell me about your road to becoming the man you are today.
I got here the same way you get to Carnegie Hall: practice, practice, practice. Although being on the back of an elephant with a Burmese princess while doing so doesn't hurt.
Did you approach life differently as a younger man?
You'll never be old and wise if you're never young and foolish. So when I was young, I carefully strategized the ways that I could maximize my foolishness.
Say you could go back in time and give one piece of advice to yourself. What would it be?
"That's not chicken. But eat it anyway."
What's the most important piece of advice you've ever received?
Someone once told me this sage piece of wisdom: the "sudden death" round in High Andean Competitive Tobogganing has a decidedly different meaning than sudden death in, let's say, hockey. I was informed of this fact in the nick of time.
Can you walk us through an average day in your life?
I have neither the time nor the proper waivers and legal representation.
What rules do you live by?
I think it was the Dalai Lama who said, "Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively."
One of the most interesting things about you is that everything you do, even the little things, seems to have an air of weight and greatness. What do you do to relax?
I find that if you simply focus on doing the task at hand and doing it right - let's say, carefully untangling a twisted parachute - you have a lot less time to worry about the very, very solid land mass that's hurtling toward you at 32 feet per second.
You are constantly in the public eye. Does that ever get tiresome? Do you see yourself as a role model?
People see what they want to see when they look at me. Except for the Romanian duke who accompanied me to the Amazon and licked one toad too many. Who knows what that guy was seeing. But role model? Certainly not.
This might be a tough question, but what would you say is the most interesting thing you've ever done?
I try to live in the moment and rarely look back. So, this interview, while desperately lacking in Jordanian belly dancers and utterly bereft of possibly deadly yet undeniably delicious fugu sashimi, is going to have to do. Until my next adventure, of course.
People want to know - what's your greatest strength?
I think my greatest strength is my immune system. Seems every time they find a new strain of bacteria, they come after me asking for blood.
If you had a weakness, what would it be?
I admit that I have a weakness for a fine maraschino wool sweater. And certain jujitsu throat holds. The day I meet a hostile jujitsu master dressed head-to-toe in fine maraschino will most likely be my last.
Tell us something that no one knows about you.
Absolutely not. A little mystery goes a long way.
Let's talk politics. As a citizen of the world, what do you think about the current political climate?
Sorry, I only take sides in volleyball and jai alai.
Have you ever had any desire to get involved? Maybe run for public office?
Unfortunately, I have far too many skeletons in my closet to be an effective public official. I don't say this metaphorically; I have a number of actual skeletons in my closet, and they require meticulous time and effort to preserve.
If you could change one thing about the state of the world today, what would it be?
I think we should all stop worrying about how we look and start worrying about what we do in life. Leaving a trail of great experiences could make this world a better place.
Switching gears a little bit, let's talk about the future. You're going to Mars?
Yes, as long as I can get through interplanetary security enforcement. No, seriously, they can be a tad touchy.
What prompted your trip?
I can't disclose all the details for security reasons, but lets just say my trip isn't purely scientific.
Of all the planets, why Mars? What are you looking to find there?
From a purely biological sense, it's the only one on which I possibly stand the chance of surviving. From a practical standpoint, it's the only one that we have the technology to reach. And from a purely personal stance, I just plain don't like Venus - too gassy. But the reasons why are too numerous and too intricate to get into here.
What have you done to prepare for your journey?
Breathing exercises, transcendental meditation training, chess matches with numerous heads of state, sit-ups, practical first-aid training, judging a churro-eating contest in Guadalajara, a re-primer course in gravitational physics and writing goodbye letters in over 219 languages and dialects.
What's the first thing you plan to do when you land?
Go on a brisk hike. That always gets the blood flowing after a long flight.
As the only human on Mars, what will you do for fun?
I'll use my imagination. However I will be in the company of a female flight specialist. So you can use your imagination.
How do you plan to live amongst aliens, if you encounter them?
In every other instance that I've come upon an indigenous people, they have done one of two things: either treated me like a deity or started a fire to cook me over. I'm hoping it's more the former.
What are you going to miss most about Earth? Is there anyone or anything you're sad to leave behind?
There are two women. One is a particularly beautiful damsel I loved and lost. And another is a remarkable person who never even knew how interested in her I was. Let that be a lesson to express your love before it's too late.
Will we ever hear from you again?
Well, not in the literal sense of audibly detecting me. But who knows what gravitational waves can convey?
Do you any final orders of business to tend to before you leave Earth?
I need to find my beloved pet, Chewey, a home. So if you know anyone who could look after a loving, frisky, 160-pound leopard, please let me know. Oh, and I have some library fines to pay.
Do you have any regrets?
I regret that there are men who leave this world with regrets. I am not one of them.
You've lived a truly extraordinary life. What has been your greatest achievement?
There are so many things that I am proud of, from my outreach to impoverished communities to my struggle to protect animals and their habitats. But if I had to say one thing, I am very, very proud of my Bare Knuckle Boxing League Championship Belt.
Do you have any final words for your fans on Earth?
Continue to be the adversary of ordinary, strive to be interesting, and of course have some Dos Equis along the way. STAY THIRSTY, my friends.